Steve Jobs arrives at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter is frantically rummaging through a big pile of papers. After waiting a few minutes, Jobs tells him "you know there is an app for that".

In the year 2200, a man decided to have a brain transplant and was offered the choice of two brains
- Mick Jagger's for $10,000 and Keith Richards' for $100,000.
"Does that mean Keith's brain is much better than Mick's?" asked the man.
"Not exactly," replied the brain transplant doctor, "Keith's is in mint condition. It has never been used."

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?........ ..... A rectum stretcher? And just
what does a
rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two
fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to
side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it,
until it's about 6 feetwide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard!

LOL

__________________________

Geez ,EG !
Hope your GF doesn't read IORR ....Don't you know rude jokes are a real turn off for some ladies ?


For the record ,when a " male cop" pulled me over, I smiled and looked him right into his eyes .

Got no speeding ticket .

Cops don't like rudeness but some courtesy



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

Quote
Edith Grove
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?........ ..... A rectum stretcher? And just
what does a
rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two
fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to
side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it,
until it's about 6 feetwide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard!

><

Why haven't we sent a woman to the moon?
It don't need cleaning.

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.

And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when

the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what

REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw

that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!

Quote
trainarollin
Why haven't we sent a woman to the moon?
It don't need cleaning.

Uh oh.....Someone in Lyon is not going to like that sexist joke.

Quote
sweetcharmedlife

Quote
trainarollin
Why haven't we sent a woman to the moon?
It don't need cleaning.

Uh oh.....Someone in Lyon is not going to like that sexist joke.

To be honest, neither I like ,nor I dislike that joke because I didn't understand it .

I was much more focused on the "It don't need " part :
Doesn't the English conjugation go like this ?

I don't need
You don't need
She/He doesn't need
It doesn't need ?

Am I right ? Yes ?



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

What about these ones ?

.A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Quote
SwayStones
I was much more focused on the "It don't need " part :
Doesn't the English conjugation go like this ?

I don't need
You don't need
She/He doesn't need
It doesn't need ?

Am I right ? Yes ?

Well, theoretically yes, but... have you heard for instance this:

What's the matter with the boy?
He don't come around no more

Quote
trainarollin
Why haven't we sent a woman to the moon?
It don't need cleaning.

That's a man 'talking' who hasn't understood a woman's point of view yet............"THAT PLACE IS JUST CHOCKOBLOCK WITH DUST.!!!!!!"................



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 2011-10-11 14:37 by EddieByword.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven bitter lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'


Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'


Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'



Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'


Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriagecertificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'


--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Quote
franzk

Quote
SwayStones
I was much more focused on the "It don't need " part :
Doesn't the English conjugation go like this ?

I don't need
You don't need
She/He doesn't need
It doesn't need ?

Am I right ? Yes ?

Well, theoretically yes, but... have you heard for instance this:

What's the matter with the boy?
He don't come around no more

Ah,yes, like " she don't care" in the Beatles song.

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 or close to it

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

LOL

__________________________

Quote
Edith Grove
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 or close to it

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Je n'ai rien pigé = Je n'ai absolument RIEN compris.

Quote
SwayStones

Quote
Edith Grove
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 or close to it

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Je n'ai rien pigé = Je n'ai absolument RIEN compris.

Come on, admit it, you think it's funny.

Quote
SwayStones
Je n'ai rien pigé = Je n'ai absolument RIEN compris.

potato = pomme de terre, does that help?

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker, well she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Quote
Koen

Quote
SwayStones
Je n'ai rien pigé = Je n'ai absolument RIEN compris.

potato = pomme de terre, does that help?

Thanks,but I know what " potato " means

I didn't understand at first Edith's joke because I didn't read the potatos' bag was empty.lol
This is excellent .

For Halloween-

Why don't Vampires drink Clown blood?



Because it tastes funny!

A yuppie decides to stop for a beer after work one day and drives to a crime-ridden neighborhood where he knows the closest bar is. After parking his BMW, he enters the bar and obviously stands out among the other patrons. While he is dressed in expensive business attire, the other bikers, bums, and alcoholics are not dressed to impress and focus their complete attention on his every move. The yuppie goes to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer, and takes a seat at a table. As the bartender gets his beer, he notices the yuppies talking into his hand, repeatedly tapping his thigh, and glancing at his left wrist. He brings the beer and says "Look man, I don't think I've seen you here before, but I can tell this ain't yer kinda place...all these folks here are regulars, and they're all looking at you wanting to kick yer ass. And yer not doing yourself any favors with the talking to your hand and whatnot. What the hell's your problem anyway?"

The yuppie, never losing his cool, says, "Oh, sorry, I forget sometimes people aren't used to seeing others with nanosurgic implants."

The bartender says "Nano-who?"

The yuppie replies, "Yes it's the latest tech breakthrough! I've had my blackberry surgicly implanted in my palm, so when I get a call I just 'talk to the hand'. I have a GPS device implanted in my wrist which links wirelessly with my blackberry as well as the iPad I have implanted in my thigh".

The bartender, looking flabbergasted, says "Man, that is the craziest thing I have ever seen! But, look, you should probably just finish your beer and get the hell out of here. The natives are getting restless and I don't think they like your kind. Hell, a man got killed here last week and that's trouble I don't need!"

The yuppie replies "I understand. I wasn't meaning any trouble. My apologies. Say, listen, I have to run to the men's room - would you mind watching my beer while I'm gone? I'll just be a moment."

The bartender says " Ok man, just make it quick"

The yuppie goes to the bathroom and the bartender goes back to the bar. He serves more drinks, chats with a regular, and goes to clean some beer glasses when he notices the yuppies drink, still sitting untouched, and begins to worry.

"Man, that guys been gone for at least 15 minutes...hope he didn't meet any trouble in the men's room"

more time elapses...and finally the bartender, assuming the man has been attacked and left for dead in the bathroom, decides to go check on him.

He opens the door to the bathroom, and there is the yuppie: spread eagle, leaning against the wall, pants down to his ankles, and a roll of toilet paper sticking out of his ass!

The bartender freaks: "Man! Are you ok???? What happened??? Who did this to you????"

The yuppie says "Hey, hold on just one second, I'm getting a fax!"

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's pen*s is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.


Women will be finished reading this by now.








Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Well, the wife had been missing for a week when the police called and told
me to prepare for the worst, so I went down to the Thrift Shop to get her
clothes back.

Knock,knock
Who's there?
Gorilla
Gorilla who?
Gorillla me a hambuger I'm hungry.

Quote
Edith Grove
Women will be finished reading this by now.








Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

So there must be something wrong with me .....
because I swear I checked my thumbs to see how "mine" would be if I had "one"

Talking about lengh ......


A mathematician and a physicist are trying to measure the height of a
flag pole using a long tape measure. The mathematician takes the tape
measure, walks up to the flag pole, and begins to shinny up the pole. A
short way up, he slips and falls down.

The physicist notices a ladder lying nearby in the bushes. He leans the
ladder against the pole, but it reaches only half way up. He climbs the
ladder and tries to shinny up from there, but he also slips and falls.

While they sit near the pole scratching their heads, an engineer
walks by, so the mathematician and the physicist tell him their problem.
The engineer notices a crank at the base of the flag pole. He turns the
crank, and the flag pole tilts over until it lies on the ground. The
engineer stretches out the tape measure, cranks the pole back up, and
tells the mathematician and the physicist: 'It is 15 meters.'

As the engineer walks off into the distance, the mathematician looks at
the physicist and says: 'Isn't that just like an engineer? You ask him
for the height, and he gives you the length.'

BUT SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THE STORY GOES LIKE THIS:
A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag
pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite
frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling
down, etc.

A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to
remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily.

When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a
mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the
length!"

A doctor on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start. And we all could use more calm in our lives. So I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished... and I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminum scriptins, an a box of chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.