Sister Ann joins a Silent Monastery & after 5 yrs they say to her, "You may speak 2 words". Sister Ann says, "Hard bed". "Sorry". They reply, "We’ll get you a better bed". After 5 more yrs, they again say to her. "You may say 2 more words". "Cold food". Sister Ann replies. They tell her, "We'll try to make the food better." After 15 yrs they again say to her, "You may say 2 words". "I quit" she replied. "Good" they said, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here!"

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate..

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles..
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

Edith, that was really great!

Now I just told this joke to my wife who's Hungarian - but she already knew the punchline ...

It seems in Hungary this is a joke about two teams of policemen ...

Quote
wolfi
Now I just told this joke to my wife who's Hungarian

I hope she's not blonde.

Man goes to the Doctor for a check-up. Doctor says "Do you know you have a head of lettuce stuck in your ass?

Man replies "That's only the tip of the Iceburg!"

Probably posted before, but what the Hell, I'm Irish.

Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.
Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.'

Lorna responds, 'Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time.'

'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.'

'I am,' announces Lorna, 'And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party.'

*******************

1st Irish Farmer: My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.
2nd Irish Farmer: Did you shoot it in the feckin' hole?

First Irish Farmer: No, in feckin' the head.

*******************

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

*******************

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

*******************

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit coward.'


Irish Real Road Racing Motorcycle Blog by Barbiegirl Northern Ireland



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2012-03-24 00:36 by Barbiegirl.

Why do eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?





Because it's cold outside.

Quote
Edith Grove

Quote
wolfi
Now I just told this joke to my wife who's Hungarian

I hope she's not blonde.

Edith - we're both blondes ...

But I'm a natural and she ...

My favourite blonde joke:

Why does a blonde always keep an empty bottle in the fridge ?




Just in case someone visits who doesn't want a drink ...

Sorry, if this has been posted before.

Quote
Edith Grove


Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate..

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles..
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

LOL & LOL

.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2012-04-03 18:43 by EddieByword.

Did you hear the one about the Rough Collie that was taken to the vets because of his arthritus, he was given some steroids and promptly turned into a boxer............

A man goes to a toy shop to buy his daughter a Barbie Doll. The girl at the counter says: "You're in luck. We have most Barbies on sale this week. Barbie Goes To THe Beach is down from 39.59 to 29.95. Barbie Goes Shopping is down from 49,- to 39,-. Only Barbie Gets A Divorce is unchanged at 189,-."

The man is puzzled and asks: "Why is that one so much more expensive?".

To which the girl replies: "Barbie Gets A Divorce comes with loads of extra's. Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Car' Ken's TV....."

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at homs when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number

to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed

the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an @#$%&!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down

with the word '@#$%&' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an @#$%&!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic '@#$%&'
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our

Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an @#$%&!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot

I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled

that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
right after calling the first @#$%&
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW @#$%&, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house

and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an @#$%&!'

Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two @#$%& to call.

Then I came up with an idea.....

I called @#$%& #1.

He said,
'Hello'

I said,
'You're an @#$%&!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me'

I said,
'Make me.'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'@#$%&, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, @#$%&,'
and hung up.

Then I called @#$%& #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, @#$%&,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are.....'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass!'

I answered,
'Well, @#$%&, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover!

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down on Oaktree Blvdin Fairfax.....





I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.

I got there just in time to watch two @#$%&
beating the crap out of each other.....
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter,
and surrounded by a news crew!!!

NOW I feel much better!

Anger management really does work.

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A
FAX!!

Quote
boston2006
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A
FAX!!

Could be from Keith ?

Quote
Edith Grove

Quote
boston2006
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A
FAX!!

Could be from Keith ?

LOL !!
Lee , I copied your last joke ( very funny ) and forwarded to a few of my friends . One of them actually thought I did that,

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

OH MC!!!! You had me laughing out loud... really... that was awesome.


Dogs think YOU are a King/Queen/God because you feed/water/pet and love them

Cats think THEY are a King/Queen/God because you feed/water/pet and love them


ps
hope the first day on your new job went swell.

Thanks, Max. I wish I could take ownership of the "dog/cat diary" but a friend sent it to me a while ago.

And thanks for remembering my first day! It was great; I was assigned some online reading - which I did. (Although somehow I think they might have meant something other than IORR )

Quote
memphiscats

And thanks for remembering my first day! It was great;

well of course.... and it is great to hear it went great



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2012-05-09 15:25 by Max'sKansasCity.

I can think of one current joke at the moment:

Cameron/Osbourne springs to mind.

Two cannibals are eating a clown and one looks at the other and says... does this taste funny to you ?

omit



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2012-05-08 21:26 by Carnaby.

Can you pass a football? No, because I don't think I can eat it.

Driving along the motorway in Wales we were slowly catching up a huge very expensive horse(s) box..............one friend said......"Hmmm..........must be a police horsebox...."
Another said "No they always have "POLICE HORSES" emblazened all over them"
Quick thinking the first said ..........."Well I know that,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, this lot are undercover".............



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 2012-05-20 19:56 by EddieByword.

I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to fart.

The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the
music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…

And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod!!!!!

…and how is your day?, so far.

ps. This is what happens when old people start using technology !

My favorite yo mama joke:

Yo mama is so poor she can't even pay attention.

Q - What does a man with a ten inch penis have for breakfast?

A- I had a bagel and a cup of coffee.

Read all of this story .....

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out
what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well was dry and needed to be covered up anyway.

It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw.
>With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, and never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up!



Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.



Enough of that bullshit.....



The donkey later came back and kicked THE SHIT out of the farmer that tried to bury him.



MORAL: WHEN YOU TRY TO COVER YOUR ASS, IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO GET YOU!