Quote
SwayStones

Quote
EddieByword

The Jewish holocaust joke told to me by my Jewish friend......

Jewish jokes can only come from Jews only .


The Jewish holocaust joke told to me by my Jewish friend......
Only racists and nazis would be able to write the sentence you wrote .

No more joke about holocaust ,OK ?
Unless you want to meet me so I can put your face into an oven .

Edited for mispelling

Half of my family got killed by the Nazis.
I forgave them.

If you're not over it yet, please visit a psychologist.

American to Frenchman: "Do you speak German?"

Frenchman: "No."

American: "You're Welcome!"

Quote
SwayStones

Quote
EddieByword

The Jewish holocaust joke told to me by my Jewish friend......

Jewish jokes can only come from Jews only .


The Jewish holocaust joke told to me by my Jewish friend......
Only racists and nazis would be able to write the sentence you wrote .

No more joke about holocaust ,OK ?
Unless you want to meet me so I can put your face into an oven .

Edited for mispelling

1.>>>>>>>>>>> Jewish jokes can only come from Jews only .<<<<<<<<<<<<...so you have a monopoly on humour now...?.........on that basis then you'd better not tell any jokes about the Welsh, the Italians, Americans, the Gentiles.......... or the, or the, or the, or the, or the ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

2.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Only racists and nazis would be able to write the sentence you wrote .<<<<<<<<<<<<< That is so ill-informed and offensive that it can only be dealt with with humour......"The Jewish holocaust joke told to me by my Jewish friend".............so...my friend is a racist and Nazi ? ..Man... I should stay away from him right ?...btw he told me that joke while we were tripping on acid in the Jewish Congress in New Cavendish St. in London while watching Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis and eating Kebabs........I don't do that stuff anymore but I have to say that was one of the funniest nights of my life...........

3.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> No more joke about holocaust ,OK ?<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<...as though you have a monoploy on this too...........first, this from the Daily Telegraph......."Jews, gipsies, homosexuals, communists, Soviet prisoners of war, Poles, Jehovah's Witnesses and underground resistance fighters were all sent to concentration camps".................I may be a Jehovah's witness for all you know..........second, there were two holocausts in the WWII, the camps and the holocaust (Catastrophy of destruction) of the war itself, millions killed on the battlefields and millions of civilians killed in cities across the world by bombs from aeroplanes, including dozens of my parents friends and relatives. So please don't adopt that tone as though you own suffering. You don't.

4.>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Unless you want to meet me so I can put your face into an oven. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< ..The worm turns...............so coarse..



Edited 10 time(s). Last edit at 2011-08-03 15:34 by EddieByword.

Dogs see you feed them, pet them,
love them... and think you are God.

Cats see you feed them, pet them,
love them... and think they are God.

ps
I hope no Cats or Gods get mad at me for making Cat or God jokes... while I am pretty sure Dogs will just be happy we are talking about them.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2011-08-03 01:23 by Max'sKansasCity.

Quote
Max'sKansasCity
Dogs see you feed them, pet them,
love them... and think you are God.

Cats see you feed them, pet them,
love them... and think they are God.

ps
I hope no Cats or Gods get mad at me for making Cat or God jokes... while I am pretty sure Dogs will just be happy we are talking about them.

My cats think your joke is purrfect and don't I know it's so true...........................horrible little ratbags........



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 2011-08-03 01:33 by EddieByword.

purrfect

In the spirit of Max's joke................

In life..in order to keep ones ego well balanced you should keep a dog to worship you and a cat to ignore you..............



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2011-08-03 03:06 by EddieByword.

This is not a joke ....but as I'm always try to keep things in a funny way........

I decide to get ride of one of my cats (it's a red haired) the problem is he attacks my youngest daughter (12) and my grand children 2, 4and 5).
But on the other hand it's a funny cat...so I have some problems.

Any help would be appreciated..............

__________________________

Quote
NICOS
This is not a joke ....but as I'm always try to keep things in a funny way........

I decide to get ride of one of my cats (it's a red haired) the problem is he attacks my youngest daughter (12) and my grand children 2, 4and 5).
But on the other hand it's a funny cat...so I have some problems.

Any help would be appreciated..............

[www.for-the-love-of-cats.com]

.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 2011-08-06 11:59 by EddieByword.

Thanks EG I will check it out tomorrow..............

__________________________

Let's offend some blondes, got this in an e-mail the other day:




A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's
doing a show in a small town in New Brunswick. With his dummy on his
knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and
starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person,
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the
blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little
f * cker on your knee!"

I posted this a while back Edith...again, in case you missed it then....in the same vein as your last one.....

A young Essex (County) girl (White high heels and handbag)(U.S. = blonde airhead) boards a plane bound for Toronto at London's Stanstead airport. She takes her seat in Economy, sits back and waits for takeoff. Eventually the plane is up and cruising at 35000 feet. By this time though Sharon who drank one too many coffees in departure is bursting for a pee. She gathers her handbag and totters down the aisle to look for a toilet. When she's finished she takes a wrong turn and ends up in first class. Seeing that it's half empty and smells much better decides to help herself to a nice big window seat. After relaxing there for about half an hour a passing stewardess notices our girl and asks her to return to Economy,
"Why should I return to Economy, there are plenty of seats here, nobody wants my seat, I'm not going, you should learn how to treat your customers, cramming them all in there when there's plenty of seats here, I don't know what the world's coming to, you should know yourself girl talking to me like that, go on, sling yer 'ook, I'm not moving".................
The stewardess a bit flustered by all this and because she's only used to at best the genteel and at worst silver-tongued rich bitches & leery old businessmen (The last time she served in economy Essex girls couldn't afford to fly) retreats to enlist the help of a male colleague, no better luck for him....
"The heels are off, the view is ultra and I'm staying put so give ya jaws a rest will ya ?".....
This goes on for another half hour until eventually the Captain gets to hear there is a problem and makes his way to first class.
"We've tried everything except brute force Captain, she just won't move..."...
"Leave it to me" says the Captain, "I married an Essex girl so I speak Essex"....with that he moves up to the girls seat and bends down and whispers in her ear. She immediately grabs her handbag and shoes, without even a backward glance pushes past everyone and scurries quickly up the aisle back to her seat in Economy.........
"Goodness gracious Captain, how did you manage that ?"
"I told you I speak Essex, I told her first class wasn't going to Toronto".....................



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2011-08-03 04:16 by EddieByword.

EBW

This calls for .. then again, what doesnt?

Quote
EddieByword
I posted this a while back Edith...again, in case you missed it then....in the same vein as your last one.....

A young Essex (County) girl (White high heels and handbag)(U.S. = blonde airhead) boards a plane bound for Toronto at London's Stanstead airport. She takes her seat in Economy, sits back and waits for takeoff. Eventually the plane is up and cruising at 35000 feet. By this time though Sharon who drank one too many coffees in departure is bursting for a pee. She gathers her handbag and totters down the aisle to look for a toilet. When she's finished she takes a wrong turn and ends up in first class. Seeing that it's half empty and smells much better decides to help herself to a nice big window seat. After relaxing there for about half an hour a passing stewardess notices our girl and asks her to return to Economy,
"Why should I return to Economy, there are plenty of seats here, nobody wants my seat, I'm not going, you should learn how to treat your customers, cramming them all in there when there's plenty of seats here, I don't know what the world's coming to, you should know yourself girl talking to me like that, go on, sling yer 'ook, I'm not moving".................
The stewardess a bit flustered by all this and because she's only used to at best the genteel and at worst silver-tongued rich bitches & leery old businessmen (The last time she served in economy Essex girls couldn't afford to fly) retreats to enlist the help of a male colleague, no better luck for him....
"The heels are off, the view is ultra and I'm staying put so give ya jaws a rest will ya ?".....
This goes on for another half hour until eventually the Captain gets to hear there is a problem and makes his way to first class.
"We've tried everything except brute force Captain, she just won't move..."...
"Leave it to me" says the Captain, "I married an Essex girl so I speak Essex"....with that he moves up to the girls seat and bends down and whispers in her ear. She immediately grabs her handbag and shoes, without even a backward glance pushes past everyone and scurries quickly up the aisle back to her seat in Economy.........
"Goodness gracious Captain, how did you manage that ?"
"I told you I speak Essex, I told her first class wasn't going to Toronto".....................

Yes,I think I read it when you 1st post it .
Actually,I translated it in French and it's one of my fave joke ,I can tell ya it is hugely successful among my friend !
BTW, I wanted to answer you about you know what but I think it's not nice to ruin the thread by argueing on iorr.
I'd like to tell you what I am thinking about what you wrote,so if you don't mind doing this,just e-mail me (mine isn't hidden ) I swear I won't send you any viruses or whatever .
Sway .

Eddie, that joke about the blonde and the plane was the first joke that one of my friends hlaughed about in a long time - he is very hard to please, so thanks again.

Now for one of my favourite jokes:

Why does a blond always have an empty bottle in her fridge ?

Answer:

Maybe one day she'll have a visitor who doesn't want a drink ...

And the raunchy version of this joke:

Why does a blonde always have an empty package of Viagra near her bed ?

Answer:

Maybe one day someone comes by who doesn't want to have sex ...

A bloke is out on a date with an Essex girl.
She finishes her drink and he says,"I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?"
"Why would I want two empty glasses?" she enquires.

Quote
wolfi
Eddie, that joke about the blonde and the plane was the first joke that one of my friends hlaughed about in a long time - he is very hard to please, so thanks again.

Now for one of my favourite jokes:

Why does a blond always have an empty bottle in her fridge ?

Answer:

Maybe one day she'll have a visitor who doesn't want a drink ...

And the raunchy version of this joke:

Why does a blonde always have an empty package of Viagra near her bed ?

Answer:

Maybe one day someone comes by who doesn't want to have sex ...

Wolfi...you're welcome, glad that hit the mark.............

Harlem shuffler's man must have met ....I was going to say her sister......but another Essex girl will do just fine................

Did you hear they just invented Viagra for women?

It's called Niagra!

Bill Wyman and Mandy Smith were lying in bed one night.
Bill was falling asleep but Mandy was feeling romantic and eager to talk.

"You used to hold my hand when we were courting," she said coyly.
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Shortly afterwards she said: "Then you used to bite my ears."
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and climbed out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

The Italian Virginity Test



Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if
his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for
what we call a Do-It-Yourself
Virginity Test Kit - A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint
and a shovel."

Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?

The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you
paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!',

..........you hit her with the shovel.

Quote
boston2006
The Italian Virginity Test



Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if
his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for
what we call a Do-It-Yourself
Virginity Test Kit - A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint
and a shovel."

Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?

The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you
paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!',

..........you hit her with the shovel.

Or.....you could just ask her if she can run faster than her brother...............

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

Hear about the new morning after pill for men? Changes their blood type.

Quote
trainarollin
Hear about the new morning after pill for men? Changes their blood type.

Good one. Something I've actually never heard before.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
trash bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto
the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see
if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
"You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next
to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower
garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time
some guy sticks his tallywacker through the fence, I say, '$20 or
off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the
way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

----



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2011-08-25 19:19 by Outlaw.

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Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 2011-08-26 12:47 by NICOS.