It is obviously hilarious, but as we approach year-end, why not starting something like this.

Here is mine:

A man is about to celebrate his 50th birthday. His wife looks for a suitable present and finally goes for something that relates to Brigitte Bardot which he is a diehard fan of: she gets a "B" tattooed on each of her buttocks.

When the birthday party is over and the guests have left, the couple goes to the bedroom. There she tells him: "Now rest yourself on the bed and enjoy my birthday present to you!"; then she starts a nice strip, finally turns her back to him and bows down.

"Now, what about this?" -
"Hm, nice. But - WHO THE HELL IS BOB??????"

Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa usually stops after 3 ho's

And............

Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa's sack eventually gets empty

Just heard from my 10 year old daughter

Which frog jumps higher than the Eifel Tower?





They all do because the Eifel Tower can't jump

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Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2009-12-29 16:25 by NICOS.

good one NICOS

I pass the credits to Laura

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a redhead, a blonde, and a brunette, all in the third grade. Which one has the biggest boobs? The blonde, she's 18.

That famous one always make me laugh (but it could be any woman & not only a blonde ...)

Blonde in a Lamborghini
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There's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper.

The trucker looks back and sees her on his butt, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his butt, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.

The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it. The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically.

He asks her, "Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!" She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

Why are blonde jokes so short? (apart from the one above....)
So men can remember them.



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

I posted this one earlier in the year but it's pretty much the funniest joke I ever heard. Here it is again.

The Pianist

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town. 'Where's the pissing, motherfu cking manager, you co cksucking ar sewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could You please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the chicken-fu cking manager of this bastard place?'

'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.
'Fu ck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the fu cking piano?'
'Pardon?' says the manager.

'Fu cking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your wan king piano.'

'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'
'Of course I fu cking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
'That's superb. What's it called?'
'I tried to shag yer missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my dick,' replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz.
The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'
'I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer'.

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads.
The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager Has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager.
'As I fu ck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,' replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk To any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid his eyes on.
She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms.

She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.
The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the
manager's voice.

‘Where's that bastard pianist?' He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.
The woman steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?'
The bloke replies 'Know it? I fu cking wrote it.'

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SwayStones
Why are blonde jokes so short? (apart from the one above....)
So men can remember them.

very funny SwayStones.
does this include all men, or just blonde men?

Not sure if this is a blonde joke or a lawyer joke. Lifted from [www.coolblondejokes.com] :


There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Are you sure she was blonde ha ha ha ha

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MKjan

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SwayStones
Why are blonde jokes so short? (apart from the one above....)
So men can remember them.

very funny SwayStones.
does this include all men, or just blonde men?

Blonde men ? Of course not !

Here is my fave for blonde men :

A drunken blind man walks into a bar and after conversing with the locals finally yells, "Hey, do you want to hear a really funny blonde joke?"

The gentleman beside him says to him in a hushed voice, "You might not want to tell that joke since everyone here IS blonde including that 250 pound wrestler on the other side of you and the 225 pound black belt bouncer who's staring at you nastily. Are you sure you still want to tell that joke?"

"Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I'm going to have to explain it twice."

NB : I am kidding actually ,I don't mean it ,always though men are more clever than (most )women .



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

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NICOS
Are you sure she was blonde ha ha ha ha

5$ vs 50 $ ,it's a good deal for sure ...



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

Quote
SwayStones

Quote
NICOS
Are you sure she was blonde ha ha ha ha

5$ vs 50 $ ,it's a good deal for sure ...

Are you blonde SwayStones? it was 10$ vs 50$



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Why did the condom fly across the room?

He was pissed off.

Two stupid IORRians are walking on the street, say's the one to the other can I walk in the middle now

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NICOS

Quote
SwayStones

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NICOS
Are you sure she was blonde ha ha ha ha

5$ vs 50 $ ,it's a good deal for sure ...

Are you blonde SwayStones? it was 10$ vs 50$

Of course no !I am not blonde ,NICOS , don't be nasty -)
What did you say ? "Then it's even worse than I was thinking ?"

I am just absent minded sometimes.Two weeks ago I was so inattentive that when leaving a pharmacy a few seconds after a customer , I almost got on the wrong car ....To be fair,I must say the man had the same car as mine (same color too ) So I just opened the door of his car and almost sit in (and on him ).He laughed and said:" If I wasn't afraid to offend you ,I would say "you're welcome to sit anyway "...



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

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Old Classic worth repeating:

One day MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT OF HONEY so he took MARY JANE behind
the POWERHOUSE on 5TH AVENUE in HOLLYWOOD. He unstrapped her REESE'S CUPS and started feeling her MOUNDS then CRUNCH. He then stuck his NUTTY BUDDY in her MILKY WAY and out popped BABY RUTH.

Tiagra: When 18 holes is not enough!

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Elmo Lewis
Why did the condom fly across the room?

He was pissed off.

Very good. Like it.

Be warned that’ll you need your headphones for the punchline and try not to have any liquid in your mouth or you'll have to clean it off your keyboard.

The teacher asks the class 'who wrote four-score and seven years ago?' Wanda says, "Abraham Lincoln, teacher". Very good. Who wrote 'I have not yet begun to fight?' "That would be John Paul Jones." Very good, Brenda. Little Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would just shut up and go away." 'What was that, Little Johnny?' "That was Tiger Woods, teacher".

Electrina or Carrie Prejean(former Ms. USA). Take your pick.



Q- What is the difference between a bartender and a proctologist?

A-A proctologist only has to look at one AHOLE at a time.

Got a zillion more.

A man calls his wife from work and says, "My boss is taking some of us on a fishing trip to Canada for a week. We are leaving this afternoon. This will be a great chance for me to put myself in position for that promotion. We'll drop by the house on our way out. Please pack a bag for me, and put my fishing pole and tackle box on the front porch. Oh, and also pack my new silk pajamas."

His wife says OK and does it but is curious about the need for silk pajamas.

He returns a week later, a bit tired but in good spirits.

"How was the trip? Did you catch any fish?", she asks.

"Yes, salmon and trout, more than we could eat. It was a great trip. By the way, why didn't you pack my silk pajamas?", he asked.

"I did", she replied. "They were in your tackle box."

Kids at school wearing Susan Boyle concert t-shirts

What is the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish sheep farmer?

Jagger sings "Hey you, get off my cloud" and the Scottish sheep farmer sings "Hey MacLeod, get off my ewe."

Why did the chicken walk to the middle of the road?

He wanted to lay it on the line!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I know, oldie but goody)