Favourite joke of the year ?

The story about the Rolling Stones going on tour in 2010, very funny indeed !!

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Sorry for my english ; I'm a french little boy (but I like it)

Quote
humanriff77
Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa usually stops after 3 ho's

And............

Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa's sack eventually gets empty

you forgot:

Santa:
- Ho Ho Ho!
Toger Woods:
- Where?!!!

and....

A Lion would never cheat on his wife... but a Tiger wood

Lil johnny hears some noise coming from his parents bedroom and goes to investigate..he peeks into his parents room and see's his parents having sex..when his dad looks over and see's lil johnny standing there he yells at him to close the door and go to his room...lil johnny closes the door and runs to his room...later on after his parents finish what they were doing his mom goes downstairs to the kitchen and lil johnny comes up to her and asks "what were you and dad doing up there"..she looks at him and says "you know johnny your dad has a big belly and I was jumping up and down on it to try and flatten it out"..lil johnny looks at her and shrugs his shoulders and says "mom I dont know why you would waste your time doing that when everyday when you leave for work the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up".

Quote
sweetcharmedlife
Lil johnny hears some noise coming from his parents bedroom and goes to investigate..he peeks into his parents room and see's his parents having sex..when his dad looks over and see's lil johnny standing there he yells at him to close the door and go to his room...lil johnny closes the door and runs to his room...later on after his parents finish what they were doing his mom goes downstairs to the kitchen and lil johnny comes up to her and asks "what were you and dad doing up there"..she looks at him and says "you know johnny your dad has a big belly and I was jumping up and down on it to try and flatten it out"..lil johnny looks at her and shrugs his shoulders and says "mom I dont know why you would waste your time doing that when everyday when you leave for work the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up".

thats a good one .i vote for your joke being the most funny joke on this thread.

A "heads up" for those of you guys who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you. Here’s how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "no" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe’s. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also December 1st, 3rd, twice on the 5th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So be careful.

I guess that's how to get a hooker these days?
(hope I am not misunderstood with the joke 'cause there are several above I didn't understand ...@#$%& langage barrier )



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

Quote
SwayStones
I guess that's how to get a hooker these days?

Cheap hookers, 'cause I ain't got much money!

For the record, that joke has been going around in e-mails for a couple of years now.

Jack Sparrow hit Mick and Keith with a parrot, so he killed two stones with one bird.

Ok,here is a non Tiger Woods golf joke:
A wife wants to learn how to play golf. So she goes to the driving range one day and takes lessons from a pro. Unfortunately,it's not going very well. So the golf pro tells her to imagine that the club is her husband's schlong. So she hits the next ball 100 yards,then 200,300 yards. The golf pro says "that's very good,now take the club out of your mouth and try it".

A guy finds himself in the company of Osama Bin Laden, Adolf @#$%& and a real estate agent. He has only two bullets in his gun, who does he shoot?















The real estate agent...twice!

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'


'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.


So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.


A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'


The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'


'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'


'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, ' The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'.

Told in the third person:

you: Hey, did you hear that famous actress got stabbed in Los Angeles today?

them: What??? No, who was it???

you: er, that famous blonde, um, Reese...Reese...

them: Witherspoon??

you: no, it was with a knife.

my butler lost his left arm in an accident, serves em right

Lil Johnny is playing outside his Mother's bedroom one day when he hears lots of moans and groans coming from the window. Lil Johnny peeks in through the window and sees his Mother on the bed rubbing her privates furiously and moaning "I need a man, I need a man!", Lil Johnny gets scared and runs off. The next day Lil Johnny is again playing outside his Mother's bedroom window when he starts hearing the same exact noise he heard the day before. Lil Johnny gets scared again but cannot help himself, he looks in the window and sees a man on top of his Mother doing stuff to her Lil Johnny has never seen. Lil Johnny puts 2 and 2 together and goes into his room, takes off all his clothes, lies down on the bed and starts rubbing his privates and moaning "I need a bike, I need a bike!".

(I read this somewhere yesterday, but forgot where. Google to the rescue!)


I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply.

Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"

Edith Grove gets my vote!

I forget who originally posted this here, but at least I remembered the joke.

Two buddies go hunting. After walking several miles into the woods, one fellow suddenly clutches his chest and drops to the ground, lying very still. His pal has brought his cell phone and frantically dials 9-1-1, tells the operator "We're in the middle of nowhere and I think my friend is dead!" The operator tells him "Sir, please don't panic. The first thing you have to do is make sure he's dead." The operator hears silence, then a shot, then the fella says "OK - now what?"

> > Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that
> > the
> > doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to
> > live.
> >
> > Given the prognosis, Morris
> > asks his wife for
> > sex.
> >
> >
> > Naturally, she agrees, so
> > they make
> > love.
> >
> > About 6 hours later, the
> > husband goes to his wife and
> > says,
> >
> >
> > 'Honey, you know I now have
> > only 18 hours to
> > live.
> >
> >
> > Could we please do it one
> > more
> > time?'
> >
> > Of course, the wife agrees,
> > and they do it
> > again.
> >
> > Later, as the man gets into
> > bed, he looks at his
> > watch
> >
> > and realizes that he now has
> > only 8 hours
> > left.
> >
> >
> > He touches his wife's
> > shoulder and
> > asks,
> >
> >
> > 'Honey, please... just one
> > more time before I
> > die.'
> >
> >
> > She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
> > and they make love for the
> > third time.
> >
> >
> > After this session, the wife
> > rolls over and falls to
> > sleep.
> >
> >
> > Morris, however, worried about his impending
> > death,
> > tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more
> > hours.
> >
> >
> > He taps his wife, who rouses.
> > 'Honey, I have only 4 more
> > hours.
> >
> > Do you think
> > we
> > could...'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > At this point the wife sits
> > up and says, 'Listen Morris,
> > enough is enough
> > I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

Q--"Did you hear about the new Michael Jackson burger at McDonald's?

A-"It is a big piece of meat in between two little buns."

This joke is not joke of the 2009 because it's older and have so much variations, but worth to remember :
First school day in an American School. The female teacher introduces a
new student, Sakiro Suzuki (son of Sony's CEO). The class starts:
Teacher:” let’s see who masters the American Culture History. Who said: GIVE ME FREEDOM OR GIVE ME DEATH". It's quiet in the class. Suzuki raises his hand: "Patrick Henry 1775 in Philadelphia"
Teacher: "Very good Suzuki." And who said: "The State is the people. The people may not go down." Suzuki stands: “Abraham Lincoln 1863 in Washington."
The teacher looks at the students and says:” Shame on You all. Suzuki is Japanese and knows American History better than you".
A voice comes up from the background: "Kiss my ass, you damn Japanese!” Who said that?" the teacher screams. Suzuki raises his hand and without waiting he says: "General McArthur 1942 at Panama Canal and Lee Iacocca 1982 in the BO meeting of General Motors."
The class is super quiet. From behind: "I am gonna puke" The teacher screams: "Who was that?” Suzuki answers: "George Bush Senior to Japanese First Minister Tanaka
during lunch in Tokyo 1991"
One of the students stands and screams angrily: "Suck this". The teacher upset: "Now stop. Who was that now?" Suzuki without blinking the eye: "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky 1997 in Washington in the oval room of the White House"
Another student stands and screams: "Suzuki, damnyou!"Suzuki says: "Valentino Rossi in Ryo at Grand Prix Motorcycle racing in South Africa 2002" The class falls in hysteria, the teacher becomes unconscious.
The door opens and the principal comes in: "@#$%&, I have never seen such a mess" Suzuki: ‘’MP of Serbia to Serbia’s ministry of finance, when he shows him states budget’’.

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on underage dwarf sex.

"how can you stoop so low?", asks the Librarian

"yes, thanks, that's the one", the man replies.

A bus full of Nuns is travelling along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and it crashes down into a ravine where it explodes. All of the nuns are incinerated instantly.

The Nuns arrive at the entrance to Heaven where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font filled with Holy Water.

Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "Is any aspect of you impure in some way?"

The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man's penis..."

Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the holy water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the holy water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven.

He asks the second nun the same thing and she replies, "I did once... touch a man's penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven.

Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated.

Saint Peter quickly asks, "What is the matter, sister?"

The Nun replies, "Nothing's wrong, I just want to gargle it before Sister Susan dips her ass in it."

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

Quarter-Pounder with Cheese.

Teacher asked the kindergarten kids about thier holidays?
What did you read over the holidays Mary?
Mary:I read about choo Choos Teacher.
Teacher:Now Mary you are a big girl now ,so you must say Trains not choo choos.
Teacher;What did you read about Billy?
Billy:I read a good book Miss called "Winnie The Shit:

Keith Richards, accompanied by Ronnie Wood, walks into a room to meet with his pusher.
Keith asks the pusher, "Where's the three million powder you embezzled from me?"
The pusher doesn't answer.
Keith asks again, "Where's the three million powder you embezzled from me?"

Ronnie interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

Keith says, "Well, ask him where the @#!! powder is."

Ronnie, using sign language, asks the pusher where the three million powder is.

The pusher signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."
Ronnie interprets to Keith, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."

Keith pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the pusher, cocks the trigger and says,
"Ask him again where the @#!! powder is!"

Ronnie signs to the pusher, "He wants to know where it is!"
The pusher signs back, "Okay! Okay! The powder's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

Keith says, "Well, what did he say?"

Ronnie interprets to Keith, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."