TORU : lol

A guy goes to his doctor and tells him he can't get it up. Nothing works,viagra.cialis nothing. So the doctor tells him their is one thing he can try,but it's a bit drastic. The guy says he'll do anything. So the doc tells him to go to a witch doctor. The guy goes to see the witch doctor and the witch doctor tells him their is a spell he can give him. All he has to do is say 1-2-3 and he will get it up. But when he says 1-2-3-4 it will go down and he can't get it back up for a year. The guy agrees to this. Goes home,gets in bed with his wife and says 1-2-3. His wife turns around and asks him what did you say 1-2-3 for?

Why
men wear earrings...

A
man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion
sense.'

Finally,
he walks up to his co-worker and says, 'I didn't know you were into
earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal,
it's only an earring,' he replies
sheepishly.

'So, how long have you been
wearing one?'

'Ever since my wife found
it in my truck.'

(I always wondered how this trend got
started

---------------

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy...

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2010-01-23 19:44 by boston2006.

Quote
SwayStones
Why are blonde jokes so short? (apart from the one above....)
So men can remember them.

But...but...what about Rod´s advice,Sway ?

A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard on the top of
its head

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

EG ,this is an Australian joke

Actually ,your version/release is soft compared to the one I knew (same begining but it goes like this at the end : Suddenly, a drunk shouts, "I... I think I can do that. But I don't think I can leave my mouth open that long!" )

As you already know,jokes with animals make me laugh.

---

This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."

---

How do you call an alligator that is sick ? An illigator.

---

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

---

A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The guy replies, "well I've got these two horses, and you see... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right food."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something that he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The guy, sobbing, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The guy stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the man is back again in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "For crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

Ok Sway. That was a long way to go. But the last joke really did make me laugh out loud.

"It's just some friends of mine and they're busting down the door"

From my 6th grader:

Two muffins are being baked in the oven.

the first muffin says, "Man, it is hot in here."

What does the other muffin say?



Scroll down







"Whoa, a talking muffin!"

Quote
shortfatfanny

Quote
SwayStones
Why are blonde jokes so short? (apart from the one above....)
So men can remember them.

But...but...what about Rod´s advice,Sway ?

LOL !My answer :


Three blonde men are stranded on an island which is burning. In a hurry to get off the island they run to the beach. Once on the beach they find a bottle, when they rub it a genie pops out and grants them three wishes.

The first blonde guy wishes he was smart so he could get off the island. "Poof" his hair turns brown, he ties some logs together to make a raft and paddles away. The second blonde guy says, "I'm not into all of this padling stuff, make me smarter so I can get off this island". "Poof", he turns into a redheaded guy, then builds a raft and weaves a sail out of plants on the island and sails away. The third blonde guy is not impressed by all of this hard work and says to the genie "Make me even smarter so I can get off this island". "Poof" and the genie turns the blonde guy into a woman, and she walks over the bridge.



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

Quote
sweetcharmedlife
Ok Sway. That was a long way to go. But the last joke really did make me laugh out loud.
"Oh I used to be disgusted And now I try to be amused."

I don't get it .
Did I miss something in the last joke I've posted ?
Who said to who "I used to be disgusted And now I try to be amused" ?



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

Quote
SwayStones

Quote
sweetcharmedlife
Ok Sway. That was a long way to go. But the last joke really did make me laugh out loud.
"Oh I used to be disgusted And now I try to be amused."

I don't get it .
Did I miss something in the last joke I've posted ?
Who said to who "I used to be disgusted And now I try to be amused" ?

I'm thinking that's SCL's current signature line. Must have slipped in to that quote somehow.

Quote
SwayStones

Quote
sweetcharmedlife
Ok Sway. That was a long way to go. But the last joke really did make me laugh out loud.
"Oh I used to be disgusted And now I try to be amused."

I don't get it .
Did I miss something in the last joke I've posted ?
Who said to who "I used to be disgusted And now I try to be amused" ?

Edith Grove is correct. That's my sig line. I was referring to your horse joke that made me laugh.

It's a line from The Angels Want to Wear My Red Shoes. I love that song. Nice choice for a sign.

Wasn't looking too good, but I was feeling real well.

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter
how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my
boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied
anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and
I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then,
I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage
on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because
I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little
kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast
when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset
it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and
sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only
take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my
silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I
perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under
the sink to find the button. It is the last action I
remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my
circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing
me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty,
who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied
hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the
corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And,
at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she
leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged
them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational
thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly
rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight
of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or
flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose
only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience.
I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink
and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than
finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked
in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the
paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to
conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress
their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally
made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to
coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept
silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which
it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!

Edith , is this a true story or a joke ? seems very plausible .

Quote
boston2006
Edith , is this a true story or a joke ? seems very plausible .

It may be true for someone!

I received it in an e-mail this morning.

That cat-story is probably a socalled "Urban legend". Just look here:

[www.snopes.com]

Quote
wolfi
That cat-story is probably a socalled "Urban legend". Just look here:

[www.snopes.com]

I don't doubt that someone somewhere might have had a similar occurance with a cat.

I remember my own cat once jumped on me and dug his claws into my waist because I was ignoring him.
Good thing I was wearing some thick jeans that day!

Quote
wolfi
That cat-story is probably a socalled "Urban legend". Just look here:

[www.snopes.com]

You're right !
This joke was called "why I hate kittens"
I call it "copy cat".


Err....not a cool one ...
I actually got sympathy pains while reading this. Why the most sensitive parts of the male anatomy are put in such a precarious position ???



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

Quote
sweetcharmedlife

Quote
SwayStones

Quote
sweetcharmedlife
Ok Sway. That was a long way to go. But the last joke really did make me laugh out loud.
"Oh I used to be disgusted And now I try to be amused."

I don't get it .
Did I miss something in the last joke I've posted ?
Who said to who "I used to be disgusted And now I try to be amused" ?

Edith Grove is correct. That's my sig line. I was referring to your horse joke that made me laugh.

Hahaha ,stupid me .... I was still looking for the "I used to be disgusted And now I try to be amused" lines in the joke that I 'd posted :-)

SCL I do understand now why I wasn't able to copy & paste your post with the new signature .



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2010-02-03 12:06 by SwayStones.

Mick Taylor and Ron Wood are seated at a bar. They turn around and see someone that appears to be Brian Jones. "What do YOU want?" they both ask him, laughing.

Without missing a beat, 'Brian' answers "No soap... RADIO!"

Quote
schillid
Mick Taylor and Ron Wood are seated at a bar. They turn around and see someone that appears to be Brian Jones. "What do YOU want?" they both ask him, laughing.

Without missing a beat, 'Brian' answers "No soap... RADIO!"

"It's just some friends of mine and they're busting down the door"

Q: "How Do Ya Get A One-Armed Fool Out Of A Tree?".....A: "Wave At Him"

Here is a toast to my fellow IORRians:
Here's to You
Here's to Me
The Best of Friends we'll Always be
But if we Should Ever Disagree
The Hell With You
Here's to Me


"It's just some friends of mine and they're busting down the door"

got a couple to add to this but gonna do two different posts, cuz the 2nd one is LONG

(call this one 'Kids say the DARNDEST Things...') LOL

The School Play"

(If this doesn't make you laugh ... There is absolutely no hope for your day!)

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play ... It was to be a Shakespearean play. The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden ... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."

The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.

The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen.

So the teacher whispered for them to begin.

The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words ...

"My fair maiden ... I have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out ... "Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit ... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway!!

"Doctor please, some more men please,
To Cotchford Farm, out by the pool...

What a drag it is they couldn't revive him"

Brian Jones 2/28/42 - 7/2/69

My brother in law sent me this one LOLOL (It's long)

THE TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFF (LMAO)

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes below are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank (herein known as "Judge #3), who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot Chili.....

"Doctor please, some more men please,
To Cotchford Farm, out by the pool...

What a drag it is they couldn't revive him"

Brian Jones 2/28/42 - 7/2/69

It kills me whenever I see Jamie Foxx doing the walk and talk of Obama.

Quote
TeaAtThree
From my 6th grader:

Two muffins are being baked in the oven.

the first muffin says, "Man, it is hot in here."

What does the other muffin say?



Scroll down







"Whoa, a talking muffin!"

I like jokes from the 6th grader !

A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink. Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place. All of a sudden he hears a voice that says, "Nice suit." He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses. A little while later the same voice says, "Nice Tie." The guy looks around again and doesn't see anyone. He finally asks the bartender if he just said something.
"No," replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. It was probably the peanuts though. They're complimentary."

I like absurd jokes .



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

Some jokes that really makes me laugh ...sorry Ladies !!

Magistrate: 'But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn't you give her half the road?'
Motorist: 'I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.'

---

A traffic policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence.
'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.'
'Well,' replies the woman, 'I have contacts.'
'Lady, I don't care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.'

---

And an almost true story (forget the ladies'toilet ,forget the motorcycle ... add a police car ,an ambulance & a sexy smile ,it did happened to me !)

A lady was driving through a built-up area at about 70 mph when she noticed a motorcycle policeman on her tail. She increased her speed to 80 mph but the cop hung grimly on her tail. She put her foot down and pushed the car up to 90, drawing rapidly away from her pursuer. Suddenly she saw a garage up ahead and with a squeal of brakes she pulled up in the forecourt and dashed into the ladies' toilet. Five minutes later she emerged to find the motor-cycle policeman waiting for her. With a sweet smile she said, 'I bet you thought I'd never make it in time.'.



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

A man has 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head.

"No, they're all at the funeral."