Q- What does a man with a 10 inch penis have for breakfast?

A- I had a bagel and a cup of coffee.

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples ,FL and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.


After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.


The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'


'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids

I can't resist...

Man walks into a bar and orders a shot of wiskey. He drinks the shot and then looks into his shirt pocket.
He orders another shot of wiskey, drinks it and looks in his pocket again.
This same pattern repeats itself another 10 times until the bartender can't contain his curiosity and asks, "Sir, may ask what you're looking at in your pocket after each shot you drink?"
The man replies, "A picture of my wife. I'm not going home until she looks good."

Sorry. It's an old joke but I just heard it again recently and I still think it's funny.

Peace,
Mr DJA

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?


Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

You've probably heard this one (I might have told it on here), but anyway:

Two old guys are sitting in a New York bar one night knocking back shots of whisky and having a few laughs. After a while neither is feeling much pain.

The first one says, “Ah, this reminds me of my younger days back in Ireland”. The second guy replies, “Ireland? Why, I’m from there myself. Tell me where did you grow up in Ireland?”

“In Killarney” the first gent answers.

“Killarney, well what a coincidence, so did I! Where did you live there?”

Laughing at the coincidence the first guy replies, “On St. Anne’s Road, near the middle of town”

“St. Anne’s Road!” exclaimed the second guy, “so did I! Surely we didn't attend the same school. Where did you go?”

“The primary I attended was Holy Cross” said the first guy. His drinking partner jumped up out of his chair, “SO DID I, what an amazing situation to be here in the US drinking whisky with you now!”

The bar phone rings. Joe, the bartender answers. It’s Ned one of the bar’s regulars. “Hey Joe, I was thinking about coming down for a nightcap, anybody much in there tonight?”

“No,” Joe replied, “just the Murphy twins, and they’re both drunk AGAIN………..

A 45 year old woman got a heartattack at the office and was rushed off to hospital. But unfortunatly they arrived to late. And so she came to the gate of heaven and saint Peter asked her name. "Rosemarie" she said.
Saint Peter was scrolling through the pages of his big agenda, but couldn't find her name, so he called over the mobile if god could come down to the gate and have a look.
So there came God, who had a hard look at her and said; "Oh no, it's not your time yet, you're going to be 105 yrs old and in an excellent state of health, off you go".
And wham she was back in her body, the doctors were amazed and called it a medical miracle.
"Well", Rosemarie thought,"if i am going to live to be 105 and in good health, i better, whilest i am here in hospital, make use of the oppertunity and get myself fixed up". so she gets a nosejob done, fat sucked off and silicons injected in her lips etc.
a few days later, looking like a 23 yaer old vamp, she walks out of the hospital, doesn't pay atention and boom gets overrun by an ambulance...dead.
At the gate of Saint Peter she is furious "you promised me i will live up to 105". Saint Peter again calls God, God comes down has a look and than calls out with astonishmnet; "I didn't bloody recognise you!".

During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, how do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?"

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Not exactly jokes, but funny anyway:



1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
Dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
And I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
And slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . ..replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA


4. During a patient's two week follow-up
Appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
Me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications..
' Which one ?'. . . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
Running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of
The old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the
Hospital one morning and while checking
Up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your
Breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good
Except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
To get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
When a young woman with purple hair styled
Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
Of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
Entered . . . It was quickly determined that
The patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
Scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on
The operating
Table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
Been dyed green and above it there was a
Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
Wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
Which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8 As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
Pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
Out laughing
And further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
Her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

Quote
Edith Grove
During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, how do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?"

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

This one always makes me laugh .



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

Normally I don't laugh out loud quickly, but this one does Sway

Added this

__________________________




Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2010-05-01 16:20 by NICOS.

Parott's jokes make always make me laugh too .

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:


"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

---

---

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Bob!"



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

__________________________

.



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 2010-05-01 16:39 by SwayStones.

Quote
SwayStones

Quote
NICOS
Normally I don't laugh out loud quickly, but one does Sway

Who does ?

I meant this one does, (I will change it in my original post)

__________________________

Quote
NICOS

Quote
SwayStones

Quote
NICOS
Normally I don't laugh out loud quickly, but one does Sway

Who does ?

I meant this one does, (I will change it in my original post)

It seems we were not on the same wavelength at all .

Quote
Edith Grove
Not exactly jokes, but funny anyway:



1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
Dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
And I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
And slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . ..replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA


4. During a patient's two week follow-up
Appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
Me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications..
' Which one ?'. . . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
Running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of
The old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the
Hospital one morning and while checking
Up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your
Breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good
Except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
To get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
When a young woman with purple hair styled
Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
Of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
Entered . . . It was quickly determined that
The patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
Scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on
The operating
Table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
Been dyed green and above it there was a
Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
Wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
Which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8 As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
Pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
Out laughing
And further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
Her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

Edith man, you don't do stand up as a side line do you? That's a pretty impressive collection of jokes!

Old but still makes me laugh...

What does a rock musician say to a jazz musician?
To the airport, please.

Quote
stones78
Old but still makes me laugh...

What does a rock musician say to a jazz musician?
To the airport, please.

As a foreigner I can't figure out this joke..at least translated in Dutch it's not funny..............

__________________________

Quote
NICOS

Quote
stones78
Old but still makes me laugh...

What does a rock musician say to a jazz musician?
To the airport, please.

As a foreigner I can't figure out this joke..at least translated in Dutch it's not funny..............

It means the Rock musician is off to some big money gig, and the Jazz musician is the taxi driver.

Yeah thanks MKjan, Now I reread it I understand.......stupid me

__________________________

Hey Nicos, you're a foreigner and you're english is very good. I'm stuck with my pathetic Italian and German, just enough to get me in trouble. Wish I spoke them as good as you write english.

Worth repeating:

Quote
MKjan

Quote
NICOS

Quote
stones78
Old but still makes me laugh...

What does a rock musician say to a jazz musician?
To the airport, please.

As a foreigner I can't figure out this joke..at least translated in Dutch it's not funny..............

It means the Rock musician is off to some big money gig, and the Jazz musician is the taxi driver.

This reminds me of a joke someone told me when I visited Nashville:

How do you get an aspiring Country singer away from your front doorstep? Pay for the pizza.

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP,
AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE
CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS
IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS; I'M MARRIED TO
A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M
SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO".

One day, Mick and Keith enjoy the sunshine on a park bench.
Mick says, "Keith, I want to have ice cream."
Keith says, "All right. I am going to buy it. What flavor do you want?"
Mick replies, "I want to have chocolate-covered strawberry. Please take a memo not to forget what I want."
Keith says, "Don't worry, my soul mate."
Then, Keith went ice cream shopping and came back an hour later.
Mick says, "What took you so long? Were you lost?"
Keith answers, "I was looking for the shop for a long time. Here's hamburger you need."
Mick shakes his head and says, " That's why I suggested you have a memo. You forgot to buy French fries."

What did Marvin Gaye's dad say in his last phone call to him?

"C'mon over, son, I've got a 45 I've like you to hear!"


What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2010-05-18 15:59 by Keefan.

Quote
Keefan
What did Marvin Gaye's dad say in his last phone call to him?

"C'mon over, son, I've got a 45 I've like you to hear!"


What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

Keefan - those are so mean - but I admit - I did laugh!

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie fvcked Carol Burnett.

Quote
CindyC

Quote
Keefan
What did Marvin Gaye's dad say in his last phone call to him?

"C'mon over, son, I've got a 45 I've like you to hear!"


What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

Keefan - those are so mean - but I admit - I did laugh!

keefan..That one about Princess Diana..ya think thats funny do ya..thats a bit un-called for..?...@#$%&