Outlaw, yeah, brilliant joke. Pedophilia is a very funny subject, right?

Okay, I removed it.

Here's 3 from Jackie Martling:


What would you call a person who hates people that run in competition?
A racist.


What's the difference between an Ethiopian and a pair of Levi jeans?
There's only one fly on a pair of Levi jeans.


A guy walks up to a woman wearing a full-length fur and says, "Do you know how many animals had to die for that coat?"
She says, "Do you know how many animals I had to @#$%& for this coat?"

Outlaw, you're a stand-up guy. Thanks.

I had some bad news this week.
My wife ran off with my best mate.................................................................................................................................................................................. God, I'm going to miss him!

After weeks of queuing each day for hours for the bare necessities like bread in the U.S.S.R. in the '80's one man finally flips and says to his friend "That's it I'm going to kill Gorbachev".

3 days later he's back in the queue.

"So...did you kill Gorbachev ?"

"Are you kidding ? The queue to kill Gorbachev was even longer..........................."



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 2011-08-30 15:05 by EddieByword.

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorites. Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home. My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said,

(as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A playboy.

Why did the indian chief rename his daughter 99 cents?


Because she was always under a buck.

A young Indian brave went to see his father one day with a troubled mind. "Father tell me, why is my brother White Headed Soaring Eagle called that ?"
"Because son when he was born there was a great white headed eagle soaring above the village"
"oh O.K. ...and how did my sister Sparkling Stream get her name ?"
"Well my son she was born out in the woods next to a beautiful sparkling stream"
"oh thank you father........so I suppose when my other brother Golden Sun was born there was a fantastic sunset or dawn ?"
"That's it, it was a sunrise but yes that's right................Tell me Two Dogs @#$%& ing, why do you ask ?"

edit



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2011-09-05 00:30 by EddieByword.

This one may have been posted previously ,

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Frank. The midget”.

I work for him. Joke of the year and joke of the decade.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle
And came upon a restaurant operated by a
Fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
Looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10..00

+Fried Explorer: $15..00


+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
news."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh$%."

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2011-10-03 01:53 by JJackFl.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2011-10-02 12:21 by JJackFl.

.

__________________________




Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 2011-10-03 01:53 by NICOS.

What do you call a musician who breaks up with his girlfriend?


Homeless.

Quote
varv
What do you call a musician who breaks up with his girlfriend?


Homeless.

If you live in Nashville, how do you get a C&W singer off your front doorstep?





Pay for the pizza.

A man decides to buy his wife a present, a piece of jewellery. He goes into a shop says to the assistant. "I'd to buy a necklace with a cross on it".......
"Certainly sir...we have two types of crosses, this one here and this one here with a little man on it"

A redhead goes to the doctor complaining of pain. The Dr asks her to point to where it hurts. She says everywhere,points to her head and screams in pain,points to her arm yells. Points at her leg,screan\ms in pain again. the Doctor tells her,your not a redhead are you? The girl is stunned. She says no. The doctor says,your a blonde aren't you?She says how did you know? The doctor says,because your finger is broken.

During the funeral of Warren Buffett, a young man is standing at the side weeping bitterly.
Somebody goes up to him to comfort him and asks him,
"Who was Mr. Buffett to you? Was he your grandfather?"
The man says, "No, he wasn't, that's why I'm crying."

RIP Steve Jobs. But I always liked his brother Blow,better.

- How do we know that recession is really big?
- Even Apple losses Jobs.

Quote
sweetcharmedlife
RIP Steve Jobs. But I always liked his brother Blow,better.

..and I prefer his sister Blowie....

IDIOT SIGHTINGS
>
>
> I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said "May I
> have large bills, please"
>
> She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
> When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING
> When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
> car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
> department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side
> door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
> handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the
> technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
>
> This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING
> We had to have the garage door repaired.
> The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not
> have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
> I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at
> that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
> He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded
> that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
> He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
>
> We haven't used Sears repair since.
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING
> My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave
> the clerk a $5 bill.
> Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
> She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way
> you can just give me a dollar bill back.
> She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
> I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we
> could not do that kind of thing.'
> The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
>
> Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING
> I live in a semi rural area.
> We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative
> office To request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
> The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
> I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
>
> From Kingman , KS
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
> My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
> She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
> He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
> -- From Kansas City
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING
> I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
> asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
> To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
> He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
>
> Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING
> The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
> I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
> asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
> I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
> Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
>
> She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING
> At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the
> company due to 'downsizing,'
> Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more
> often.'
> Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
> deer-in-the-headlights stare.
> This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
>
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING
> I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself And
> for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn
> on.
>
> A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING
> How would you pronounce this child's name?
> "Le-a"
> Leah?? NO
> Lee - A?? NOPE
> Lay - a?? NO
> Lei?? Guess Again.
> This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
> Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
> It's pronounced "Ledasha".
> When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said,
> "the dash don't be silent."
>