Why was it always so hard to get a hold of Bin Laden?


Because he did'nt have the Phone on..

They should of taken Bin Laden alive and make him walk through airport security the rest of his life.

Technically, not a joke, but still funny:





Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly.




After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.







P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

*

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

*

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

*

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

*

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

*

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

*

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

*

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

*

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

*

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

*

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

*

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

*

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..

*

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

*

And the best one for last

*

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from the midget.

This week Bin Laden sunk to a new low

Quote
colonial
This week Bin Laden sunk to a new low

But the fish were happy.............

And it is only a joke...................

OSAMA DEAD

Western world distraught but Republican's rejoice as CIA typist admits typo

Quote
EddieByword
And it is only a joke...................

OSAMA DEAD

Western world distraught but Republican's rejoice as CIA typist admits typo

And it's only not funny.

Quote
sweetcharmedlife

Quote
EddieByword
And it is only a joke...................

OSAMA DEAD

Western world distraught but Republican's rejoice as CIA typist admits typo

And it's only not funny.

In England we would say 'Only it's not funny'....you say tomaito, I say tomarto.............



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 2011-05-05 20:09 by EddieByword.

There's a new cocktail called the Bin Laden...2 shots and a splash of water.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2011-05-07 14:40 by TornAndFried.

In keeping with the now predominant theme ...........

An Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman and an Irishman get stranded on a desert island. After a few weeks a bottle gets washed up with a genie in it. The Welshman rubs the bottle and the genie is released. They all get granted one wish each. The Englishman wishes he could be at Wembley watching England beat Germany in the world cup, wish granted. the Scotsman wishes he could be at Hampden park watching Scotland beat England, wish granted. The Welshman wishes he could be at the Millenium stadium in Cardiff watching Wales beat anyone, wish granted.................The Irishman...........he asked to have his friends back.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 2011-05-14 12:22 by EddieByword.

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting
your ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2011-05-16 14:02 by boston2006.

Question: What did the Beatles say during the mountain avalanche?

Answer: "Watch out for those Rolling Stones"

Mick Jagger once made a cameo in an early McCloud T.V. apperance which also featured Hugh Hefner. In the one scene Jagger does is he walks in and catches Hugh and Dennis Weaver in bed together and he shouts out- "HEY HUGH GET OFF OF McCLOUD"!!

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat”.

JumpingKentFlash

Two bears are eating a clown. One of the bears says "It tastes funny".

JumpingKentFlash

What were Bin Laden's last words?

"I've got to go. There's someone at the door"

Mick Jagger is asking an applicant at the recent guitarist hunt interview.

Mick : What can you do?
Dave Stewart : Nothing.
Mick : Oh, we already have two guitar players to do that.

That one is dedicated to Tele71

Quote
71Tele
You must be the most easily offended person on this site. I'm offended that you're offended.

See, I am EVEN offended by MY own jokes I post ,like this one .....


I read this joke & it made me laugh ,especially the three fall lines ;
Hope it won't be too offensive /dubious taste to be posted on iorr

---

As a woman passed her daughter's door, she heard a strange buzzing noise. She opened the door to find her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter looked up and said "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, no boyfriend , and this is as close as I'll ever get to a boyfriend. Please shut the door and leave me alone."
The next day, the father heard the same buzzing noise coming from the other side of the bedroom door. Upon entering, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query, his daughter replied "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, no boyfriend , and this is as close as I'll ever get to a boyfriend ! Please! Shut the door and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the woman comes home from a shopping trip, places the groceries on the counter, and hears a buzzing sound coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered the area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was sitting on the couch next to him, buzzing like crazy.

"What in the hell are you doing?!"

The husband looks up and replies "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm watching the football game with my son-in-law."

Hahahaha
That one is REAL good IMO ,it suits to my own sense of humor

I almost fell off my chair from laughing ....especially when the girl goes so upset she inverts the letters (stuipd or whatr ...)







PS : 4 letter word 'content ...oops !Sorry .



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

A truck driver stops at a whorehouse. Goes inside gives the madam $500 and says I would like your ugliest girl and a baloney sandwhich. The madam tells him for that amount of money he can have her finest girl and a steak. The truck driver tells her I'm not horny,I'm homesick.

What does a pile of bricks and a 300 pound woman have in common?



Neither one are getting laid without a mexican.

A young lady had just emerged from a bath when the doorbell rang.
She ran to the door and called out, "I can't let you in. I've just got out of the bath."
"That's all right. I'm a blind salesman," he said.
"All right, then," she said and opened the door.
"Thank you," said the man.
"Where shall I put the blinds?"

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel?
I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

SCL, if you don't get my joke,don't run out to see your shrink .


Q: What is the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

A: An etymologist would know the difference

Q:Why do men make the best cooks






A:Becuase with 2 eggs,1 Sausage and a little bit of milk. He can fill a girl's tummy for 9 months.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2011-05-30 04:11 by sweetcharmedlife.