A store that sells new husbands has opened at a huge SuperMarket inNadur-GOZO, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:----

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:---

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:---

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:---

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

T he 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

Final day to get the degree in Master of Philosophy. The Master to his pupli: "Could you demonstrate in less than one minute that this chair over here does not exist?". The pupil: "Which chair, Master?"

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a Story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists, finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers"



One week later. A local newspaper in Texas reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Maypearl , Texas , Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless".

Ha Ha Bubba is the man...



2 1 2 0

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom..
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would
press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the
girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something
had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers. . . and then there are educators.

The importance of good grammar...

The perils of the English Language.

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the
importance of correct grammar.

I have noticed that many who text messages & email, have forgotten the
"art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a
horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.


I know you will appreciate this reminder.

Hey that's good boston2006......



ROCKMAN

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for
the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and
started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front
door of the first
house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for
her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,"
he said,
"How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl
quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and
everything
she would need was in the garage. The man's wife,
hearing theconversation said to her husband, "Does she
realize that our porch goesallthe way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to
believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by
email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to
collecther money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I
gave ittwo coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the
$50.00 andhanded it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde teenager added, "it's not a
Porch....it's a Lexus.

Edith Grove you've got the best jokes! I needed that one today. Not a porch... it's a Lexus. Love It!

Peace,
Mr DJA

Th Australian version of a tiny todger.

Quote
behroez

Take your political shit somewhere else.

I'm sure that if it were at GWB's expense, you'd be laughing your ass off. I'm also sure that you sit and get tingles in your legs when your idol the boss bashes him at his shows. A joke's a joke, way too much political correctness (or hypocracy) these days.



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 2011-02-17 00:53 by shadooby.

><Dude, I love those...been a while since I've seen them! Unlike those who only want it their way (sweetcharmedlife)...no harm here!



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 2011-02-17 02:45 by shadooby.

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.


I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room just smells lovely.

Quote
Edith Grove
I got a new stick deodorant today.
.

Slow day at work ,EG ?

If you want to please me ,post another joke about blondies & cars ...as it's not a Porch....it's a Lexus.
Great joke btw
I love it

Here you go Sway. Just for you.

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Another blonde one for Sway:

A successful blonde executive is driving along a deserted country road with fields on either side. She has the top down on her convertable and is enjoying a beautiful day until she notices another blonde, in the middle of a field, in a rowboat rowing and rowing.

She stops the car and yells, "You know it's blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!"

Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, "If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

Peace,
MR DJA

Quote
SwayStones
If you want to please me ,post another joke about blondies & cars ...

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

JOKE OF THE YEAR?

Our So Called "Culture".... (if it ain't POP culture than just flush it)

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”

Your blondes & cars'jokes crack me up all the time !

Here is an American joke for you,hope no one is from Texas here ...

A salesman is assigned a new route that takes him into Texas for the first time. After reaching his first stop in Texas, it was late so he checked into a motel. And went to it's restaurant for diner. He ordered a small beer. The waitress brought him a huge mug.
"Waitress" he said," I ordered a small beer." She said," this is Texas, in Texas this is a small beer." Then he ordered a petite steak and the waitress brought him a two inch thick stake so big the sides of it were hanging off the edge of the pater.
"Waitress, I ordered a petite stake"
She told him that in Texas that was a petite stake. After a while all that beer was getting to him, so he asked the waitress where the rest room was. She told him to go down the hall two doors and turn to the *RIGHT*. He staggered down the hall two doors, turned *LEFT*,and walked into the hotel swimming pool. As he bobbed to the surface, he screamed,
"DON'T FLUSH IT!"



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2011-02-18 15:32 by SwayStones.

19 Feb, 2011.....According to Kyodo news,
the negotiation for the concert of the Rolling Stones with the North Korean Government
has ended up in failure because the government hated the atmosphere of decadence of the band.

This is real:

"# Dictator's second son hits Singapore
# 29-year-old Kim Jong Chol goes to Clapton gig"

dictator's son at Clapton concert

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom. The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger, in honour of the Harvest
Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed...
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow.
What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!!"


FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

"BRING POSSE"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went into the doctor and told him I had the same dream every night.
--two beautiful women strip naked and try to get in to bed with me but I pushes them away.
The doctor said, "What do you want me to do about it?"
I said, "Break my two arms, will you?"

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

A guy goes into the confessional on Saturday afternoon and says to the priest, Father, he confessed, it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Tootie Green twice last month.

The priest told the sinner, You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. Ive had sex with Tootie Green twice a week for the past two months.

This time, the priest questioned, Who is this Tootie Green?

A new woman in the neighborhood, the sinner replied.

Very well, sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasnt wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, Is that Tootie Green?

The bug-eyed altar boy couldnt believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, No Father, I think its just a reflection from her shoes..
-------------------------------------------

"Doctor please, some more men please,
To Cotchford Farm, out by the pool...

What a drag it is they couldn't revive him"

Brian Jones 2/28/42 - 7/2/69