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SomeTorontoGirl
I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.

People in San Francisco do the same thing. Except with Tigers.

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to
be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,
shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly" says the Angel, "but even in Heaven,
a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant
in town. 'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking
arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could You please
refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the Manager as
soon as I can'.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the chicken-@#$%&
manager of this bastard place?'

'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you could
refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.

'@#$%& off' replies the bloke 'and where's the @#$%& piano?'

'Pardon?' says the manager.

'@#$%& deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me
your @#$%& piano.'

'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and shows the
bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'

'Of course I @#$%& can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring
and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the Manager has ever heard.

'That's superb. What's it called?'

'I tried to shag yer missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my
dick,' replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz.

The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the Manager has
ever heard.

'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'

'I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the
soap drawer'.

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any Romantic ballads.

The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager Has ever
heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager.

'As I @#$%& you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy
ring-piece,' replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers Him the job
on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk To any of
the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting
opposite him, is the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid his eyes on.

She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost Falling
out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's
wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms.

She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on
asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to
furiously masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the
manager's voice.

'Where's that bastard pianist?' He just has time to relieve himself, and in
a fluster he runs
back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down
and starts playing some more tunes.

The woman steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in
his ear, 'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers
and dripping spunk on your shoes?'

The bloke replies 'Know it? I @#$%& wrote it.'

Silver Dagger, that's a FANTASTIC one!!!!

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Elmo Lewis
Carrying on Lukester's theme -

Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?

Too bitter!

why do cannibals like clowns?

they taste funny....

I was driving home late one night,when I got pulled over by a cop. He asked me if I had been drinking. I said why,is there a fat ugly chick in my back seat?

Anyway, back to the Animals:

Irishmen are true gentlemen...

How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?

Five to lift it up and down, and one to hold the teats still.

Hopefully there will be some new cartoons in the near future as it could mean the sign of the next tour!
Until then, enjoy these classic gems...

that last cartoon... hehehehe He didn't even try to make them look like the RS's.

Seriously though, none of those are funny.

How do ya circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the arse while she giving him a head job....



ROCKMAN

How can a hillbilly tell when his daughter is having her period?

When he tastes blood on his son's dick.

OUCH!!!!... I gotta go soap my mind...



ROCKMAN

Come on, Cindy...give us one more glimmer....

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CindyC
How can a hillbilly tell when his daughter is having her period?

When he tastes blood on his son's dick.

That may actually be worse than my abortion joke.

"It's just some friends of mine and they're busting down the door"

What sexual position produces the ugliest children?





















Go ask your parents.

What is a Canadian's favorite sexual position?...Doggie style, so they can watch the hockey game.

"It's just some friends of mine and they're busting down the door"

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CindyC
that last cartoon... hehehehe He didn't even try to make them look like the RS's.

Seriously though, none of those are funny.

Really? I thought the one that referred to aging was pretty funny.

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NumberOneStonesFan

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CindyC
that last cartoon... hehehehe He didn't even try to make them look like the RS's.

Seriously though, none of those are funny.

Really? I thought the one that referred to aging was pretty funny.

You are joking right? They sucked.

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sweetcharmedlife
What is a Canadian's favorite sexual position?...Doggie style, so they can watch the hockey game.

What hockey game?

Oh, Nemesis, the joke's on you... I was thinking of you Sunday night, waiting for my flight out of Newark. Saw this posted on the departure level and thought you'd be interested to know that the Boss really IS in trouble...



You are, as always, so very welcome...

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Lukester

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NumberOneStonesFan

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CindyC
that last cartoon... hehehehe He didn't even try to make them look like the RS's.

Seriously though, none of those are funny.

Really? I thought the one that referred to aging was pretty funny.

You are joking right? They sucked.

Oh well to each his/her own I guess... Every time I I see a Stones cartoon it always brings a smile to my face. Also, it means artists care enough to make cartoons about them still.
It's all in good fun.

Oh that's right STG,I forgot that in Toronto nobody wants to watch the Maple Leafs play. As for the Boss. I always womdered what he did on his day off.

"It's just some friends of mine and they're busting down the door"

New here's a real joke for you!



For those outside the States, FEMA is the "Federal Emergency Management Agency."

Here's another old favourite. Hope y'all like it.


A LIVERPOOL LOVE STORY

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing
water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the
pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.
l'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you
away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added,
I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and
piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said.
 This is the Liverpool-Birkinhead Ferry."