How about a nice joke



Anybody else?

>< Priceless!

A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards...

You need a Heart to love him
A Diamond to marry him
A Club to smash his fuccking head in
And a Spade to bury him

.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2008-02-20 18:19 by Outtake.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles
black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.


Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'

And that might be why Keith said: There ain't no F**king way I'm letting anyone from THAT family near me woth a sword!

Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they're worth it.

Carrying on Lukester's theme -

Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?

Too bitter!

"No Anchovies, Please"

Why are there so many battered women?

They taste better that way.

Q:
What is the penalty for bigamy?

A:
Two wives.

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position I could get her into!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"

"Dunno. Never found her head."

Superb!

Two businessmen in New York City are setting down for a break in their soon - to - be new store. As yet the store isn't ready - only a few shelves are set up.
>
> One says to the other, "I bet any minute now that some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.
>
> No sooner are the words said, a guy from Oklahoma walks to the window, has a cowboy hat, and in a Southern drawl ask, "What's y'all selling here?"
>
> One man replies, "Oh we're selling assh*les
>
> Without skipping a beat, the Guy from Oklahoma says, "Well I see Y'all're doing
> good. You only have two left!!"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2008-02-20 20:55 by boston2006.

What do 10,000 battered women have in common?......THEY JUST DON"T LISTEN!!

X



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2008-02-20 23:06 by sweetcharmedlife.

OMG - that is SO DISGUSTING!!!!!!

I am SHOCKED!

Wasn't looking too good, but I was feeling real well.

Quote
CindyC
OMG - that is SO DISGUSTING!!!!!!

I am SHOCKED!

I didn't think anything would shock you CIndy. But in the interest of good/bad taste. I will edit.

"It's just some friends of mine and they're busting down the door"

A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas .
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer

'Lord almighty' he says to himself,' my three favorite things!!'

Quote
sweetcharmedlife

Quote
CindyC
OMG - that is SO DISGUSTING!!!!!!

I am SHOCKED!

I didn't think anything would shock you CIndy. But in the interest of good/bad taste. I will edit.

You goob! You don't have to edit it on my account. I was shocked at the grossness, but I can still appreciate its sick humor.

What do West Virginian girls yell when they're losing their virginity??


Daddy! Daddy! You're crushing my cigarettes!

....beer spew!!!

Quote
sweetcharmedlife
I didn't think anything would shock you CIndy. But in the interest of good/bad taste. I will edit.

Oh, crud! I always miss the controversial stuff...

Snooze ya loose.

Or in this case.

Snooze ya miss the abortion joke. hehe

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.

LOL!!!!



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 2008-03-05 21:26 by Outtake.