A man goes to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a needle to give him a shot of novacaine. The man says he doesn't like needles. The dentist then gets the gas the put him to sleep. The man says he doesn't like the gas. The dentist asks him if he's ok with pills. The man says he has no problem with pills. So the dentist givbes him some viagra. The man says he didn't know viagra was a pain killer. The dentist tells him it's not. But it'll give you something to hold onto while I pull your tooth out.

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.


The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes , RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone , and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car..

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"



The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"


You're an aide in the Obama Administration", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.



This is a herd of sheep. ..

Now give me back my Dammed dog!!

good one

Here's a good one.

An old one from the Al Gore (Clinton) / Bush election.......
Clinton...."Bush in the Whitehouse.. ? I'll second that"....


and from England at that time.....


who do you think will win....Bush or Al Gore....
I don't know... I'm too scared to think.....

(Memory...memory...)



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 2011-01-12 13:43 by EddieByword.

Quote
EddieByword
An old one from the Clinton / Bush election.......
Clinton...."Bush in the Whitehouse.. ? I'll second that"....


and from England at that time.....


who do you think will win....Bush or or that lying toerag Clinton....
I don't know... I'm too scared to think.....

Hillary shaves and says, "Read my lips, no more Bush."

Did he really call Monica "My little humidor"?

3 Holy Men & a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing
led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a
lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ......circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."
--------------------------------

"Doctor please, some more men please,
To Cotchford Farm, out by the pool...

What a drag it is they couldn't revive him"

Brian Jones 2/28/42 - 7/2/69

Tim and Kim met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities Tim was
ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Kim to dance clubs,
restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Tim became convinced that
Kim was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better
than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship,
Tim took Kim to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting
for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love
with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship
continues to the next stage."

"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing
question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play
golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep,
and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better
say so now!"

Kim took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a
problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're
being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the
last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet
for a moment.

Deep in thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're
either dipping your shoulder on your backswing or you're rolling your
wrists too much at impact.”

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle and I
got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, okay, but what about
that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I
boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't
lose an eye just from bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."

A husband and wife are working in their garden one day when the husband looks at his wife and says, your ass is bigger than the BBQ. She ignores him. But he gets a tape measure and measures the Barbaque grill. Then measures her ass. He tells her yep,your ass is bigger than the barbaque grill. That night in bed the husband is feeling frisky and trys to make a move on his wife.She tells him,this big ass grill isn't getting warmed up for a little weiner.

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening,

when the misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't

in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at
her neck, and then began

moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders

and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just

over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed

past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed

gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost

portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side,

then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a

loving voice, 'Honey, that was
wonderful. Why did you stop?'

'I found the remote,' he mumbled.

Courtesy of Frank Skinner;

After receiving reports from worried neighbours, police and animal welfare officers attended a 20th floor appartment in New York to discover a man living there with a panther and crocodile. Obviously in breach of the regulations the man was forced to surrender the animals. After serving the necessary papers the panther was secured and the welfare officer proceeded to lead him away, the man by now was completely distraught and pleaded for them not to take him...."PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! N-O-O-O-O-O! Don't take him,He's my only friend..............















NOW,HOW DO YOU THINK THE CROCODILE FELT ABOUT THAT ?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2011-01-28 20:47 by EddieByword.

My Trip To Sam's Club

Yesterday I was at my local Sam's Club
buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Rover and was in the
checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I
didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again... I added
that I
probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but
that
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because
the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff
an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
attack he was laughing so hard.
Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore..
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of crazy things to say.

Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie? Because she was fu-cking Goofy

A guy goes up to a very hot babe in the super market and says, Excuse me, are you from Tennessee? and she says, no, why do you ask. Oh, I was just thinkin' to myself, "Is that a Tennessee?".... OK..... GET IT?..... ALRIGHT !!....

BUT THE BEST ONE EVER -

Q."Why was the Roman Smiling?"

A."Cause he was Gladiator"

JOKES FOR THE HIGHLY INTELLECTUAL MIND

How does Popeye keep his penis from getting rusty?

He keeps it in Olive Oil.

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:
Let me see if I've got this right.
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.
You also want me to provide them with an equal edu cat ion regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . .









I CAN'T PRAY?

A sweet grandmother telephoned Skagg's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear.. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

The body builder takes off his shirt
and the blonde says,
"What a Great chest you have!'



He tells her,
'That's 100 lbs.. of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'
"What massive calves you have!'


The body builder tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and
the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes
back on and chases after her..
He catches up to her and asks why
she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,
'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
after I saw how short the fuse was!'

And she was Blond?

__________________________

What's the difference betwen a counterfeit dollar bill and Kate Moss?






A dollar bill is a phony buck.

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks him whether he's ever done any really good or courageous deeds in his life.

"Well," he says, "I saw this gang of Hells Angels hassling a pretty young lady - so I walked up to the biggest, ugliest Angel and told him to tell his gang to lay off, or he'd have to answer to me."

St. Peter looks impressed. "When did this happen?" he asked.

"About two minutes ago..."

A tough looking group of bikers were riding towards Nashville when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge. So they stop.

The group leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked .

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does, and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!! So then he asked,

"Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

-----------------------------------------------


A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Denver, Colorado and saw a notice advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.



Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read: "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $65,000.”

“But, . . . you'll have to go to Billings, Montana.”

“Good grief, is that where the job is?”

“No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now.”



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2011-02-05 22:05 by boston2006.

A girl is standing in a nightclub when she notices that all the other girls are gathered round a handsome athletic-looking guy at the bar. She recognises him as David Beckham.

Switching immediately to 'gold-digger' mode, she joins the group, gets off with Beckham and they end up back at her place.

As she is taking off his shirt she notices a tattoo on his arm that says'Reebok'. He explains that in games he always wears a short sleeved shirt to show off the tattoo and that he is paid to do so by the company.

As she takes off his pants she notices another tattoo on his leg that says 'Nike'. He explains that in games he always wears short shorts to show off the design and that he is paid by Nike to do so.

As she finally undresses him she notices that his c**k shows a tattoo saying 'AIDS'. Horrified she asks if he really has aids. No, he says, stay with me for a couple of minutes and you will see that I'm also sponsored by Adidas.....

Never trust a girl...

Brian and Keith are jamming on Main Street when Brian suddenly says to Keith,
"Don't look! Here comes my wife and my mistress."
Keith sneaks a peak and says,
"What a coincidence, I was going to say the same thing!"

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"



Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."




Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."





North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."





Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"





Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says:

'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."


***

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.