Re: Tonight there was a fight in my local chip shop
Date: August 21, 2008 05:23
The Fish Shop (Apologies to Monty Python)
(a customer walks in the door)
Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Fish Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
Owner: Peckish, sir?
Customer: Esuriant.
Owner: Eh?
Customer: 'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!
Owner: Ah, hungry!
Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fruit of the sea will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some fishy comestibles!
Owner: Come again?
Customer: I want to buy some fish!
Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Owner: Sorry?
Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?
Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some fish please, my good man.
Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red snapper.
Owner: I'm, afraid we're fresh out of red snapper, sir.
Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on turbot?
Owner: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of sole, if you please.
Owner: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, herring?
Owner: Sorry, sir.
Customer: Flounder?
Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Customer: Ah. skate?
Owner: Sorry.
Customer: Sprat? Sturgeon?
Owner: No.
Customer: Any Norweigan Rafisk, per chance.
Owner: No.
Customer: Pike?
Owner: No.
Customer: Pollock?
Owner: No.
Customer: Whitefish?
Owner: No.
Customer: Danish knurhane?
Owner: No.
Customer: Monkfish?
Owner: (pause) No.
Customer: Tuna?
Owner: No.
Customer: Dorset smoked mackeral?
Owner: No.
Customer: Orange roughy, tilapia, sturgeon, plaice, eel, bass?
Owner: No.
Customer: Surstromming, perhaps?
Owner: Ah! We have surstromming, yessir.
Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit strong...
Customer: Oh, I like it strong.
Owner: Well,.. It's very strong, actually, sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle Sweden! Mmmwah!
Owner: I...think it's a bit stronger than you'll like it, sir.
Customer: I don't care how @#$%& strong it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
Customer: What now?
Owner: The cat's eaten it.
Customer: (pause) Has he.
Owner: She, sir.
Customer: (pause) Catfish?
Owner: No.
Customer: Hake?
Owner: No.
Customer: Cod?
Owner: No.
Customer: Smoked sardines?
Owner: No.
Customer: Japanese blow fish?
Owner: No, sir.
Customer: You...do *have* some fish, don't you?
Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a fish shop, sir. We've got--
Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Owner: Fair enough.
Customer: Uuuuuh, Bream.
Owner: Yes?
Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Bream, that's my name.
Customer: (pause) Greek anchovies?
Owner: Uh, not as such.
Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Fish?
Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.
Customer:Haddock?
Owner: No.
Customer: (pause) Aah, how about Salmon?
Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Customer: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular fish in the world!
Owner: Not 'round here, sir.
Customer: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular fish 'round hyah?
Owner: Huss, sir.
Customer: IS it.
Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Customer: Is it.
Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Customer: I see. Uuh... Huss, eh?
Owner: Right, sir.
Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Customer: It's not much of a fish shop, is it?
Owner: Finest in the district!
Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by fish....
Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about halibut, sir.
Customer: Would it be worth it?
Owner: Could be....
Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!
Owner: Told you sir....
Customer: (slowly) Have you got any halibut?
Owner: No.
Customer: Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Owner: Yessir?
Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any fish here at all.
Owner: Yes, sir.
Customer: Really?
(pause)
Owner: No. Not really, sir.
Customer: You haven't.
Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Owner: Right-Oh, sir.
(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)
Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.