...nice try tippy toe, but I keep my liquor in the freezer and guess what? It doesn't freeze.....but I appreciate the idea.

SomeTorontoGirl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> SCL - you want a Household Tip? Don't live in a
> household that tips! Silly Nemesis!!! (Perhaps a
> large outrigger...?)
>
> EDIT: Whoops, that sounds like a big one! Be
> careful out there, and batten down your CD
> collection!

Oh you wacky canadians. Your not immune from them up there you know. As for the outrigger. If we have a real big quake I may need one, because San Francisco will become an island. But all in all just a little shaken,not stirred.


RyanPow - Yeah I'll admit,big tough macho guy that I am,that one bothered me a bit. Nothing a clean pair of shorts didn't take care of though...And that's today's household tip.

"It's just some friends of mine and they're busting down the door"

sweetcharmedlife Wrote: Oh you wacky canadians. Your not immune from them up there you know. As for the outrigger. If we have a real big quake I may need one, because San Francisco will become an island. But all in all just a little shaken,not stirred.


Yeah, I actually felt a little quake once, was small and centered about 300 miles away, but it was... very unsettling... Messed up the World Series out there one year, didn't it? (And PLEASE, is it over yet???? We don't have a baseball team in Toronto and tire of it easily!) :-)

If you think your dying quickly move to the living room....



ROCKMAN

Rockman Wrote: If you think your dying quickly move to the living room....

Groan!

From the same dusty book... if you're Canadian in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?

European...

European...




I always thought that's what happened if you drank a lot of beer........Ahhh,I'll throw myself in the penalty box for that one.

"It's just some friends of mine and they're busting down the door"

sweetcharmedlife Wrote: Ahhh,I'll throw myself in the penalty box for that one.

Straight from baseball to hockey. It's gonna be a looooong winter (sigh). Damn Nemesis!

stonesrule Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> microfiber cleaning/dusting cloths keep CD cases
> and just about anything else quite tidy.
>
> I'm thinking about writing a song called "Mother's
> Little Helper". Do you think the title works?

Well, when you burn a frozen steak and make a mess of an instant cake, those little yellow microfibers will clean up the mess just fine. I know, my wife swears by them, and I think if they weren't around, those little yellow pills just might be.

Actually they don't clean messes that well, they are mainly for picking up dust and they work well on windows too, but I had to find some comment to post re: Mother's Little Helper



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2007-11-01 17:23 by BluzDude.

Manofwealthandtaste Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> A household tip when entertaining....
>
> Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a
> nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always
> going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute
> etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they
> won't know the difference.


Here's another meatless tip. Male lover coming round to dinner? Serve up a quick fake orgasm. They won't know the difference.

Ms Vegetarian (with slightly hurt feelings) to Male Lover

BarRoomQueen Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Manofwealthandtaste Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > A household tip when entertaining....
> >
> > Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them
> a
> > nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always
> > going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute
> > etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they
> > won't know the difference.
>
>
> Here's another meatless tip. Male lover coming
> round to dinner? Serve up a quick fake orgasm.
> They won't know the difference.
>
> Ms Vegetarian (with slightly hurt feelings) to
> Male Lover

Well REALLY !!! I'll pretend I didn't read this, this is a respectable kind of forum (no .. that's FORUM I say, not FOREPLAY), I'll have you know. We'll have no talk of organisms and the like here thank you very much !!

Now look here people. There's only ONE household tip of any significant worth for Stones fans if ther truth be known, and we all know what is is. PUT IT ON and TURN IT UP LOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUD !!

A second "possible" tip, depending on your inclinations, could be to (a) acquire rock n' roll guitar, (b) learn to play Midnight Rambler in open tuning, and (c) sit on arse in living room making lots of nice sounding noise and deriving huge amounts of .... S s s s s s s s s s s s satisfaction, I can't get no ............ !! Of course, so doing might well piss the neighbours off, alienate you from your wife/husband/children/dog/cat, but hey ... it'll make YOU feel an awful lot better !!

more tips for Stones fans:-

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly. (The webmistress is also Dyslexic)

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Girls - can't afford to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sandpit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans - create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously erased.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car numberplates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.- Mr. KVL 741.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Thicken up runny low-fat yogurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Chelsea Football Club fans. Save money on expensive new supporters kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Then there will be no doubt as to your sporting allegiance.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.


Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

A little late: page 1: cindyC is that Dawg's (bounty hunter) wife????

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune
and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you
like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a
pee before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually
speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog doo's in the bin bags along with your old
bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the
stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out
at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on
you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife
from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by
Royal Mail.

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very
small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and
wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on
their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables
may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you
are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside
Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally
glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into
boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3
miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

ADRIAN-L THAT WAS THE GREASTEST REPLY EVER... BV Please catalog accordingly!


I haven't laughed this hard since Eddie Murphy imitated Bill Cosby

.....I think Adrian has been waiting his whole life for this thread...good stuff, good stuff

Don't let Keith Richards in your house(hold).

"Best household tip for Stones fans" is a good thread.

and now a rare tip from Brian Jones himself!
when in doubt, melt your friends' records and stick them to the mirrors.
(that one's courtesy of Tseverin in this thread: [www.iorr.org])

Adrian-L,fess up where did you get your material? Very funny stuff. If it truly is original material,then you might want to think about moving to Hollywood. I hear there is some writing jobs that will be available soon.

"It's just some friends of mine and they're busting down the door"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2007-11-02 01:59 by sweetcharmedlife.

Don't go swimming in your pool when you have a contractor present working on your home and you were just fired from a band that you may or may not own the rights to the band's name.

I think adrian has been surfing the Viz site like me..lol

Brilliant stuff



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2007-11-02 02:59 by Gazza.

I thought the styles looked/sounded simialar.

"It's just some friends of mine and they're busting down the door"

>> the Viz site <<

[www.viz.co.uk]