From the Onion, copyright 2002, but still relevant to today:


The Rolling Stones recently announced plans for a 40th-anniversary tour, starting in September. What can fans expect?

* Echoing Altamont, desperate Mick Jagger pleads with crowd to turn off pagers and cell phones

* Jan Wenner masturbates self raw and dry with chin resting on stage

* Select shows taped for upcoming live album "Sucking In The Seventies, Eighties, Nineties, and Aughts"

* Angry fans storm stage when band fails to play 1986 hit "Harlem Shuffle"

* Souvenir stand offers $175 "Rolling Stone-washed" chinos

* On tour jet, Mick and Keith vigorously debate playing "Satisfaction"

* Band finally releases findings of 30-year research study on how come brown sugar tastes so good

* Mitch Caplan, CEO/president of tour sponsor E*Trade, bitterly complains about fifth-row seats

* Fans mechanically attend, force selves to enjoy event, report back to coworkers that Stones "still have it"