A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

Great one!

>A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
>
>She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
>
>On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before
>leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how
>old do you think I am?"
>
>"About 32," is the reply.
>
>"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
>
>A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
>the very same question.
>
>The girl replies, "I guess about 29."
>
>The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."
>
>Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
>on her way down the street.
>
>She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this
>burning question.
>
>The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
>
>Again she proudly responds, "I! am 50, but thank you."
>
>
>While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
>to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is
>going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a
woman
>
>was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put
>my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how
>old you are."
>
>They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best
>of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
>
>He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
>very
>slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently
>pinches
>each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each
>other.
>
>After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
>! I?"
>
>He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, remov es his hands, and
>says. "Madam, you are 50."
>
>Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
>tell?'
>
>The old man replies, "promise you won't get mad?"
>
>"I promise I won't." she says.
>
>He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Ha ha! I'm going to forward
the second one. Thanks!

Joker............it's briljant!

Oh I see. Jokes. I got a ton of them since I'm "The Funny One".
-----------------

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."
------------------

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
---------------------

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
-Acne waits until you're at least 12 to come on your face!

---------------------

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off." The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?" And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
---------------------

There's some good ones for you right there. )




JumpingKentFlash

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
-Acne waits until you're at least 12 to come on your face!

Did you learn that during your religious studie?

Hears one.

A young boy was sitting with his parents at a circus, when in walked the elephant. THe young boy looked at the elephant and turned to Mother and asked: Mommie what is that underneath the elephant, the mother said to her son: Well son, thats his tail. The young boy said: no, mommie whats the OTHER thing underneath the elephant. His Mother turned again and said: oh, THATS nothing.

Still curious, the boy turned to his father and asked the same question. His father turned and said: Well son that is his penis. The boy turned to his father and ask well then Why did mommie say THAT was nothing. The Father replied: SON I HAVE SPOILED THAT WOMAN!!!!!!

Great one Eric. LOL.

Marc: I sure did. Lots of jokes flying around on that faculty.

JumpingKentFlash

Great Stuff! Love the refrigerator one. Now isn't this better than the Mick taylor has a better ass than Ron Wood debates?

Yes, But not better than masturbating to Mick's tiny tight hole!!!!!!

thaks for the image, eric! I just threw up on my desk!

Sorry......

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!
I can't eat Kellogg's Honey Nut Loops after what Eric said. LOL.

JumpingKentFlash

Yo Kent my danish brother how the hell are u? Hey, sorry about that but Mick is the man!!! Come on, you have backstage passes and Mick says to you.. Kent your hot how about me and go around.. what would you say?

I say no.

I'm good BTW. Gonna move in a little while. Back to Horsens. And if The Stones will play there, I will probably live 50 m from where they sell the tickets.

JumpingKentFlash

JumpingKentFlash Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
Gonna move in a little while. Back
> to Horsens. And if The Stones will play there, I
> will probably live 50 m from where they sell the
> tickets.

If I move to 1 kilometer from where the Stones will play, I will only live one kilometer away from where the Stones will play!

If you live 50 m from the ticketoffice, btw, you'll still have to spend the night camping: 50 metres from your own friggin door! It won't help really.

Perhaps you'd better find yourself a job at the ticket office instead. The best tickets, a comfy seat, and hot coco too!

Hi Limbo. The place they will sell the tickets from, if it happens at all, will be from The New Theater Horsens. Most likely, if they do play there, it will be in Forum Horsens which opened late last year, and is located 1 kilometre from the place I WISH to get for my new apartment. Also, if and when they sell the tickets they always hand out notes with numbers on. That way people won't have to stay in the same place for so long. You can walk around if you want to. When the first big Horsens concert arrived in 1999 (Bob Dylan) there was this guy who slept in front of the ticket office for a whole friggin' week (And when I worked in a kindergarten I took care of one of his kids........We talked sometimes. It was sometimes about how much he digged my home-made Mick 'n Keef shirt). But anyway: I wouldn't mind freezing my butt off for a week if the Stones came to play in Horsens. Now that's what I call a fan.

JumpingKentFlash