Re: Revisiting Bill German's "Under My Thumb"
Date: November 12, 2012 15:17
This was the Guardian's "Digested Read" ie piss take, of Bill's book.
I was just 14 in 1979 when my sister told me no one cares about old rock dinosaurs anymore and sold me her Rolling Stones albums. I knew then I was going to devote my life to the band by writing the fanzine Beggar's Banquet. Every day I would discover some fascinating new facts, such as what toilet paper they used, and you can imagine my surprise when I saw a photo of Keith holding a copy of Beggar's Banquet. Before then nobody knew he could read upside-down.
Within four years I was part of the inner sanctum. "Your magazine is so mind-blowingly anodyne, it's a perfect fit with our music," Mick said. "Here's the deal. You pay all your own costs and continue not to rock the boat of Rolling Stones Plc and we'll treat you like shit."
It wasn't easy dealing with the band's egos. Mick would either ignore me or ignore me, while Keith was either stoned or stoned, but I understood the deal. They were anti-capitalist rock stars and I was stupid enough to allow myself to be stood up for months on end, before occasionally being invited round to their hotel rooms if they couldn't be bothered to get out of bed to turn down the TV.
I got on best with Keith. "We all use pseudonyms so fans can't disturb us, maaan," he said. "Mine's Mr Fixit. You can be Mr Gullible Loser." Woody was also great fun when he was completely pissed. I'll never forget his 45th birthday when he saw a baby in a pram and said, "I'm going to shag that in 20 years' time." "Not if I get in there first," Bill laughed. Happy days.
Beggar's Banquet became a much better read once I got close to the band, and the issue that I devoted to a detailed examination of Keith's faeces saw circulation rise to a heady 17. Things improved still further when Woody asked me to help him write a book. "I've been paid an advance of $100,000," he said, "and if you do all the work I'll give you $100." I didn't dare tell him I would have done it for nothing, and the thrill I got when I saw my name in the acknowledgements was only matched by that I got when I saw Keith was using an unread copy as a doorstop.
At times, my insistence on editorial independence stretched my relations with the band to breaking point. Obviously I would never have written about their drug use, affairs, or that they were all self-obsessed hypocrites, because that wasn't interesting. But I did come close to breaking up the band with my story that it had been Keith, not Mick, who had twiddled one of the knobs in the recording studio. However, I like to delude myself that my refusal to be cowed won the band's respect.
I first started to feel the Stones might be selling out on the 1989 Steel Wheels Tour, but once Keith explained to me how it was only fair the fans got ripped off and that it was good for my independence if I paid him for any tickets he gave me, that I came round to his way of thinking. I even got to see the funny side of the road crew using me as a drugs mailbox in Japan.
After the tour, when the band members were working on their brilliantly forgettable solo albums, I began to wonder once more if there wasn't more to life than being a groupie, but I realised how much they needed me and carried on for their sake. Especially after Woody sold me an "Access Almost No Areas" laminate that would enable me to eat pasta with Milli Vanilli at the gigs.
It was in New York in 1999, when Sony said they didn't want me to do a daily three-hour radio show about the Stones, that I finally decided I'd had enough. I just didn't know how to tell Keith. "No one ever asked you to do any of this crap," he shrugged. I danced for joy. I had finally been given permission to stop Beggar's Banquet and I am still touched that Keith turned up five days late for the farewell party to say, "So long, sucker" in person. Finally I was free to explore new opportunities. Shame I couldn't find any.
The digested read, digested: Billy No Mates.