and asked for a goldfish. The man behind the counter asked if I wanted an aquarium. I said I didn't care what star sign it was.

Sorta like the dog with no legs...no use in giving it a name 'cause it wont come to ya



ROCKMAN

-



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2007-12-29 08:46 by cirrhosis.

What is this a joke thread? If so here's one;

A sailor and marine are in the latrine(bathroom). After they are finished
going to the bathroom the marine walks over to the sink to wash his hands
while the sailor heads for the door.

marine to sailor; In the marine corps they teach us to wash our hands after
we go to the bathroom.

sailor to marine; In the Navy they teach us not to pee on our hands.

"Lyin' awake in a cold, cold sweat. Am I overdrawn, am I going in debt?
It gets worse, the older that you get. No escape from the state of confusion I'm in.

There once was a girl from Nantuckett---



you fill in the rest!

ROCKMAN

fella walks into a fish & chip shop with a salmon wrapped round his neck and ask's the young lady behind the counter " do you sell fish cakes "

to which she replies " yes, why ?"

fella says, pointing to the salmom " its his birthday "

bloke goes into a fish and chip shop and orders fish and chips,
gets his order and walks out.

3 minutes later he walks back in and says,
"oi mate that fish is still alive",

the startled fish and chip server said, "how do you know?"

"it ate all of my f@cking chips"

J.J.Flash Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> There once was a girl from Nantuckett---
>
>
>
> you fill in the rest!

Hardly new, but I think these are kinda funny


When the creator was giving out noses ........... you thought he said roses .......... and ordered a big red one

When the creator was giving out ears ............ you thought he said beers .......... and ordered two big ones

When the creator was giving out brain ............ you thought he said train ............ and missed it

And so on and so on and so on ........ !!

Shakespeare walks into a pub,
goes to the bar, the barman shouts, "get out your bard!"

dyslexic devil worshiper, sold his soul to santa

bloke goes to the gym "can you get me to do the splits?", he asks

They ask him if he is flexible

"no, i can only make Friday nights"

Adrian-L - you obviously are not having having a busy day at work today ???????????

Keep 'em coming though.

this one's dedicated to Pauly:-

two dyslexics in a house, one turns round and says to the other one,
"can you smell gas?" The other one says
"you're having a laugh aint ya - I can't even smell my own name"

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out "business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard as here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy"

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "How the hell do you drive this thing?"

edited by the not funny police



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2006-11-15 00:18 by Lukester.

Heres's one for Adrian:

A dyslexic insomniac agnostic lies awake all night pondering the existence of Dog



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2006-11-14 19:53 by Lukester.

A man walks into a public men's room. His arms are held
awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply,
fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks,
"Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"

The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the
stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how
humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something
like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The
second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.

Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to
put his penis back in his pants.

"Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on
his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."

Wasn't looking too good, but I was feeling real well.

People here didn't get this the first time. So I try again.

A guy goes into a fish n chip shop and asks for fish n chips twice.
The shopkeeper says, I heard you the first time.

Every time a husband and wife make love, the man turns the light out. After several years of this, the woman resolves to turn the light on the next time they begin to make love.

The time arrives, and just as things get hot and heavy, the man turns out the light. The woman snaps it back on, only to discover that's not her husband inside of her doing the work, but a dildo. She's outraged. "You mean to tell me every time we've made love you put that thing inside me instead of yourself???!! You've got some explaining to do!!

The husband sheepishly admitted that every time they've had sex, it was never him, but the dildo. He didn't mind explaining why that was, he said, but he had a question for her.















How come they had three kids?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2006-11-14 20:18 by Long John Stoner.

my wife likes to to talk on the phone while making luv.......why, as a matter of fact, she called me while having sex in a hotel the other night.........R.Dangerfield

my wife and I were very happy for twenty years.....and then we met

(another) Rodney Dangerfield

KSIE Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> my wife and I were very happy for twenty
> years.....and then we met
>
> (another) Rodney Dangerfield


Rodney's stuff is classic

continuing with the husband/wife theme....


A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in
the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman
saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be
willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Re: Rodney

....been happily married for 2 years, 15 all together .....

Why We Split-Up

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd
have to quit.

Then I caught her spending: $65.00 on make-up, $150
for a cut &color, $30 for a manicure,$40 for a
pedicure, $50 on vitamins, $300 on clothes and $600
for a gym membership.

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed it to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

Cirrhosis that cracked me up. for some reason I hear it in my mind in Cartman's voice.

"...no longer shall you trudge 'cross my peaceful mind."

ChelseaDrugstore Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Cirrhosis that cracked me up. for some reason I
> hear it in my mind in Cartman's voice.


I guess I'm just too stupid here....could someone please explain to me what's funny about cirrhosis's comment about a donkey and a sick mother....seriously, I just don't get it.

You know what is annoying? Getting your wisdom teeth removed and then getting a piece of rice stuck in the empty tooth socket and not being able to get it out.

In a related story, I ate so much chinese food for lunch that I am on the verge of hurling.

Just felt like sharing.