Back in the 70's in the New Musical Express, the Editor used to reserve a corner of the letters page for his favourite 'smart arsed one liner' submitted by a reader that week. Obviously this is not quite the same format but nevertheless I thought I'd try and re-kindle the basic idea here with a thread. Hopefully it'll be a laugh and maybe even edifying....Cheers ..EddieByword....Here's a couple of my favourites to kick it off......


The Titanic...that's one smart arsed liner that went down well.....


Cliches.? He used so many cliches I didn't know half of them.......


( And one true dumb-assed one from a policeman in my hometown..." I'm sorry we can't do anything about the burglary at your house Mr Byword, we can only act when we have incomprehensible evidence"..... ........although that is technically two lines.........



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 2018-05-11 21:59 by EddieByword.

Good to be here, good to be anywhere...

'I know that only time can heal my broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.'

(Miss Piggy)

I know you are but what am I ?

Pee Wee Herman

If it were up your ass hanging on a hook, you'd know where it's at.

Does that qualify?

Don't trust under Fifty...

A GOOD MAN IS HARD TO FIND
A HARD MAN IS GOOD TO FIND



ROCKMAN

"Fool me once, shame on you - Fool me twice.... ah.... uh....um....shame on..... ah... won't get fooled again"

(Words of Wisdom by The GREAT George W. Bush)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2010-12-14 07:11 by CrissCrossMind.

"You can have the money, pal."

- Doxa

"Never argue with a fool, others might not hear the difference, or he beats you on experience".

The late actress, Jean Harlow, was at a dinner party and continually addressed Margot Asquith (wife of British prime minister Herbert Asquith) as "Margot", pronouncing the "T". Margot finally had enough and said to her, "No, Jean, the 'T' is silent, as in 'Harlow'

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."

Tom Waits on Nighthawks at the Diner

work is the curse of the drinking classes (Oscar Wilde)

Clint Eastwood;

"Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has got one."

'Better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt...'

Bill Shakespeare, I believe.

'I never forget a face sweetheart, but in your case I'm prepared to make an exception'

? Groucho Marx

Remembering Lennon, as we were recently, he said 'Life is what happens to you when you are busy planning other things'

Not smart-arsed, but very profound.

"Walk a mile in my shoes before you criticize me; that way you're a mile away and you have my shoes."

(-???)

"Do you live around here often"? - Steven Wright

The best:




Some of the worst ever one-liners:

Are you gonna drink that?

"It's just some friends of mine and they're busting down the door"

"After all is said and done...there's a lot more said than done."

Lou Holtz

"Take all the pain...It's yours anyway"

if i agreed with you , we'd both be wrong.

Life is a swing: today you are poor, tomorrow you're dead

"Women are all the same - they just look different so you can tell them apart"

ouch!

"It has a message no pigeon would carry"

both quotes are lines from old movies. The latter is a film critic telling Vincent Price what he thinks of one his ham movies.

Andy

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying."

Woody Allen

Love is blind and marriage is a real eye opener.

Quote
Amsterdamned
"Never argue with a fool, others might not hear the difference, or he beats you on experience".

...Cool. Who said that?!

["I can hear the Bullfrog calling me..."]

I'm not an actor, I'm a movie star.

Alan Swan. (Peter O'Toole) My Favorite Year.

Another great line from my favorite year

I can't remember where I originally heard this but I do remember the time (30 odd years ago) when unbelievably I got to use it.

I was in a pub and a mate was trying to teach me how to play pool and I was crap. My friend was doing tricks shots just so he could miss and prolong the game long enough for me to actually pot one damn ball. Whatever I did this bloke in the pub kept giving unwanted advice. "you should have done..." etc.

Anyway I started ignoring him and eventually he said "you should listen to me I used to be a coach" to which I snapped "did they take your teeth out and put seats in?" Fortunately he left the pub without hitting me!

I love " If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to BLOW your NOSE!".