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BluzDude
This story, which was e-mailed to me last year.

WESTON, Conn. (AP) — Having accused him of being a party crasher, pet abuser, and shape-shifting witch, Keith Richards’ neighbors in wealthy Weston are relieved to see the Rolling Stones’ guitarist head out on a long tour.

It’s been nearly a year since Richards crashed Harris and Sally Whiteburger’s Memorial Day barbecue, turning a pleasant day with friends and family into a near inferno that destroyed a 200-year-old barn and sent 12 guests and several pets to the hospital. Standing outside their 18th century farmhouse in the rolling green landscape of well-heeled Weston, the Whiteburgers described how Richards showed up playing electric guitar and calling everyone "Ronnie." After urinating on the side of the barn, Richards started a fire when ashes from his cigarette "accidentally" dropped on a gasoline can.

"As soon as I heard his guitar, my stomach just dropped, but I had no idea how bad things were going to get," said Harris Whiteburger, an attorney who works in Manhattan. "I was going to sue him, but some of the other neighbors told me I’d regret it if I did."

Several people in the Weston community, most of whom did not want to be identified, confirmed that Richards, the 62-year-old multimillionaire and former junkie, treats every neighborhood get-together, from birthdays to baby showers, like a Stones’ concert. Those who complain about it, however, invariably end up facing serious misfortune.

"It was my son’s 8th birthday last November and, just as we’re having cake, we hear this banging on the front door and that voice of his, ‘come on mates, I seen the balloons on the mailbox, let me in’," recalls Thad Coddington, who said Richards gave his son a knife for a present and then proceeded to play a five song set. "These little kids are sitting around playing with an 8-inch hunting knife and listening to Keith play ‘Little T & A’ and ‘Happy’."

After Coddington, the Whiteburgers, and several other neighbors secretly complained to police and the Weston Board of Selectmen, strange things began happening, everything from lawnmowers being stolen to dogs turning up with slickened fur and their tails shortened.

"He showed up at my door one morning looking for a snowblower. I lied and told him I didn’t have one," said Ward Bigsby, who said that when he woke up the next morning his snowblower and riding mower were gone and a big red tongue was painted on his bathroom wall. "I didn’t hear anything and all the doors were locked. He’s some kind of goddamned goblin!"

For his part, Richards says he’s just trying to fit in reasonably well and bide time between tours.

"Look, when Patti (Hansen) and I moved here, these cats came around trying to get me to play golf and join the historical society. You know that’s not gonna happen, man," says Richards, dangling a cigarette in one hand and showing off his famous skull ring on the other. "This is where I’m at. The rest of it is skin deep, and I can’t change who I am. I’m gonna walk before they make me run