Tell Me :
Talk
Um... what?
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone. The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
__________________________
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2020-03-16 09:44 by Toru A.
The former chairman of the co-op bank in England was secretly filmed allegedly buying drugs by a newspaper, Kerry katona who used to be with a girl band called Atomic Kitten was once filmed also by a newspaper snorting the same type of drugs...........
Also, he ripped off a drugs charity he worked for £75,000, his bank lost £1.5 billion with him in charge so a big deal here at the moment with political parties running for cover because of 'favourable' connections with him previously.........yeah, a big deal here at the moment
He and the mayor of Toronto were seperated at birth...........
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 2013-11-22 00:15 by EddieByword.
Since the boys are off there...time to revive some Oz jokes
If I can't unsee this, neither can you.
Talk about your favorite band.
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Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
trainarollin
()
Date: September 26, 2013 03:17
Why are the Red Hot Chilli Peppers' veins in danger of collapsing?
Well because the band has had so many hits.
Well because the band has had so many hits.
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
More Hot Rocks
()
Date: September 26, 2013 03:48
Quote
trainarollin
Why are the Red Hot Chilli Peppers' veins in danger of collapsing?
Well because the band has had so many hits.
Um... what?
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
NICOS
()
Date: October 30, 2013 23:37
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone. The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
__________________________
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
BILLPERKS
()
Date: October 31, 2013 04:43
WHAT DO YOU TELL A WOMAN WITH 2 BLACK EYES?
NOTHIN, YOU ALREADY TOLD HER TWICE!
NOTHIN, YOU ALREADY TOLD HER TWICE!
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
MKjan
()
Date: October 31, 2013 11:48
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that
you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde
joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' "
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that
you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde
joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' "
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
bitusa2012
()
Date: October 31, 2013 11:56
A young army Private was home on leave. He was talking to his father about his experience at jump school whilst learning to be a paratrooper.
"Dad' he says, "on my first jump, I froze at the door of the plane. A big black master sergent standing behind me said that if I didn't jump he was going to cram 12 inches of dick up my ass."
"Well, did you jump?" asks hs dad.
"Just a little at first" replied his son.
"Dad' he says, "on my first jump, I froze at the door of the plane. A big black master sergent standing behind me said that if I didn't jump he was going to cram 12 inches of dick up my ass."
"Well, did you jump?" asks hs dad.
"Just a little at first" replied his son.
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
Toru A
()
Date: November 10, 2013 02:59
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2020-03-16 09:44 by Toru A.
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
latebloomer
()
Date: November 10, 2013 03:16
The Police issued the following report:
We arrested two teenagers today, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. We charged one and let the other one off.
We arrested two teenagers today, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. We charged one and let the other one off.
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
owlbynite
()
Date: November 10, 2013 09:28
gotta goodie but can't tell it here, some would find it offensive.
meanwhile, you yoke seekers be sure to catch the funniest commercials of 2013!
meanwhile, you yoke seekers be sure to catch the funniest commercials of 2013!
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
wolfi
()
Date: November 21, 2013 17:49
How do you get rid quickly of some Jehova's witnesses at the door?
Just tell them: That sounds interesting, wait, I'll get my husband!
This works best when you're a man ...
Just tell them: That sounds interesting, wait, I'll get my husband!
This works best when you're a man ...
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
tomcasagranda
()
Date: November 21, 2013 22:43
Here's a topical one:
The Co-Operative Bank are looking for a new chairman.
So far Kerry Katona is front runner.
The Co-Operative Bank are looking for a new chairman.
So far Kerry Katona is front runner.
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
EddieByword
()
Date: November 22, 2013 00:14
Quote
Koen
I don't get it.
The former chairman of the co-op bank in England was secretly filmed allegedly buying drugs by a newspaper, Kerry katona who used to be with a girl band called Atomic Kitten was once filmed also by a newspaper snorting the same type of drugs...........
Also, he ripped off a drugs charity he worked for £75,000, his bank lost £1.5 billion with him in charge so a big deal here at the moment with political parties running for cover because of 'favourable' connections with him previously.........yeah, a big deal here at the moment
He and the mayor of Toronto were seperated at birth...........
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 2013-11-22 00:15 by EddieByword.
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
Koen
()
Date: November 22, 2013 00:23
Wow, that's a deep one 
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
EddieByword
()
Date: November 22, 2013 02:19
Quote
Koen
Wow, that's a deep one
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
exhpart
()
Date: December 8, 2013 20:32
Quote
SwayStonesQuote
colonialQuote
SwayStones
Hope the following one won't offend anyone ....I found it cute too.
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.
North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see who I'm putting next to them"
SwayStones..><
If you liked it,here is another one for you (sheep content )
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
New Zealander: (look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
New Zealander: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.
__________________
Since the boys are off there...time to revive some Oz jokes
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
Koen
()
Date: June 30, 2014 14:26
She: "Honey, do you think of other women when we make love?"
He: "Of course not sweetie, I want to last as long as possible"
He: "Of course not sweetie, I want to last as long as possible"
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
EddieByword
()
Date: August 20, 2014 01:04
Tim Vine's joke voted best at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival..........
I decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust...............
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2015-04-10 16:29 by EddieByword.
I decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust...............
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2015-04-10 16:29 by EddieByword.
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
mr_dja
()
Date: August 20, 2014 16:09
From Facebook:
Trying to clean your house with a dog inside is like trying to brush your teeth while eating Oreo cookies.
Peace,
Mr DJA
Trying to clean your house with a dog inside is like trying to brush your teeth while eating Oreo cookies.
Peace,
Mr DJA
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
ronkeith72
()
Date: August 20, 2014 16:39
"Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were a kid??? Well, he's back in town and wants your number...hahaha
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
EddieByword
()
Date: April 10, 2015 16:30
Before you judge someone, you should first walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2016-01-06 18:41 by EddieByword.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2016-01-06 18:41 by EddieByword.
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
EddieByword
()
Date: August 28, 2015 03:49
Joke voted best at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival..........
" I decided to delete all German names from my mobile phone.................now it's Hans free..........
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2015-08-28 03:53 by EddieByword.
" I decided to delete all German names from my mobile phone.................now it's Hans free..........
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2015-08-28 03:53 by EddieByword.
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
EddieByword
()
Date: January 6, 2016 15:10
A lttle kid.........."What's a shitzu?"
his friend............"a zoo with no animals"........
his friend............"a zoo with no animals"........
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
Koen
()
Date: August 12, 2016 14:45
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They both got six months
They both got six months
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
BamaStone
()
Date: August 13, 2016 00:12
President Kennedy's Legacy: He helped put a man on the moon.
President Obama's Legacy: he helped put a man in a woman's bathroom...
President Obama's Legacy: he helped put a man in a woman's bathroom...
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
EddieByword
()
Date: November 5, 2016 19:58
If I can't unsee this, neither can you.
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
EddieByword
()
Date: March 15, 2020 12:55
Harvey Weinstein:......now there's a guy who won't have to worry when he bends over to pick up the soap ............
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
slewan
()
Date: March 15, 2020 15:26
new Stones album……………
Re: OT - favourite joke of the year
Posted by:
iraq0708
()
Date: March 15, 2020 22:30
A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head.....the bartender says "Where did you get that ugly thing?"....the duck says "I dunno--it started off as a wart on my ass and got bigger".
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