Rockeee ?






A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden Ute, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." said the boy

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $200 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

So I was watching sitcom last night... I wont admit which one...

But at one point... the main characters are planning a Christmas party,
and deciding who will do which task, and one them says "I'll do the music",
And the other character says "Oh no way, you did it last year and all you did
was play songs by Jakob Dylan's dad, so forget it!... Im in charge of the music!"



I thought it was funny, smart humor...

Lots of funny ones




A few choice Dave Feherty quotes are below. If you watch golf on TV
he's often an announcer with a distinct N. Ireland accent and a
Colorful way of putting things, just as below.


Feherty is a CBS and Golf Channel announcer who finds very unique,
Colorful and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is
On his mind... Probably always on time delay these days.


He said one day. It would be easier to pick a broken nose, than
a winner in that group

"Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the
Strongest muscle in his body."

"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in
Bacon."

"I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the
Birth of his next wife."

Jim Furyk's swing "looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."

Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more balls
Than Elton John's chin."
(Thought I was going to hurt myself laughing)

"That's a great shot with that swing."

"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."

At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day
Like this would be to play golf on it."

"That was a great shot - if they'd have put the pin there today."

"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a
Balloon near the edge of a cliff."

"That green appears smaller than a Pygmie's nipple".



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2012-12-12 22:11 by boston2006.

A guy is playing golf with his friend. His friend pulls out this enormous 12 foot pen and starts noting the score. He tells his friend that the huge pen is COOL and where did he get it?? The friend replies look in my golf bag I have a genie in there, he gave me the pen, if you like you can have a wish off him also. The guy is like WOW, ok. So he gets the genie out of the bag and the genie asks him what he wants. The guy goes I WANT A MILLION QUID!!! All of a sudden a million squid fall out of the sky. He asks his friend what the fark?? I asked for a million quid.

His friend replies, The genie is hard of hearing,,DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK I ASKED FOR A 12 foot BIC??????

I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with some friends and had a couple of cocktails.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough, while traveling home I passed a police DUI check point, but since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before, and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage

Q : how can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat ?
A : she can fit into your wife's clothes

or

Q : how can you tell your boyfriend is getting fat ?
A : he can fit into your husband's clothes

Why did Swansea only score 5 goals against Bradford?

Because scoring meant surrendering possession of the ball to Bradford to restart the match..................that was 5 times a hard call...........><



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2013-02-24 20:27 by EddieByword.

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern Minnesota ..
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still
falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and
just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

HAH HAH! Very funny MKjan.

Trash truck is leaving the neighborhood, lady runs out in her curlers and bathrobe, trash in hand, and yells to trash man, "Yoo hoo, am I too late?" Trash guy answers, "no lady, jump in."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2013-02-24 20:59 by latebloomer.

My cell phone accidently made a "butt dial." Of course, some a-hole answerd.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 2013-02-24 21:18 by Chris Fountain.

Like all good Catholics, the Pope has decided to pull out early.

Quote
tomcasagranda
Like all good Catholics, the Pope has decided to pull out early.

Hey, he no playa the game, he no maka the rules...

Quote
latebloomer

Quote
tomcasagranda
Like all good Catholics, the Pope has decided to pull out early.

Hey, he no playa the game, he no maka the rules...

I just told this joke to my nan.

She didn't laugh.

Oh Nan!

PS... that's a theological joke.

That's why I love this site.

Quote
tomcasagranda
Like all good Catholics, the Pope has decided to pull out early.

The Cardinals last week said his decision was unexpected - it was hand delivered by the Spanish Inquisition...............



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 2013-02-24 22:35 by EddieByword.

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the
way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans wa...s more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!

Says one catholic priest to another: "What do you think, will we in our lifetime witness the celibacy go?" The other one scratches his head, then responds: "Well, maybe not us, but if not us, then certainly our children."

A guy goes trophy hunting grizzly bears. He enconters a hude male bear, takes aim but the shot just misses the bears head. With no time to reload the bear is upon him. But he does not attack the man, he suggests he will let him go if he performs an unspeakable sex act. The man succums and as the bear walks away the man is so mad he reloads and shoots again, just missing the bear again. The bear is on top of him again in a flash, and the bear offers a second chance for an even worse sexual act to which the man must comply. The man thoughly humiliated takes a third shot as the bear walks away, sadly missing again, the bear just saunters back to him, puts his arm around the man and says " you are not up here for the hunting are you buddy?"

A French girl has been rushed to hospital after eating contaminated
horse meat but doctors say she is in a stable condition ....



ROCKMAN

Quote
latebloomer
HAH HAH! Very funny MKjan.

Trash truck is leaving the neighborhood, lady runs out in her curlers and bathrobe, trash in hand, and yells to trash man, "Yoo hoo, am I too late?" Trash guy answers, "no lady, jump in."

Glad you liked it latebloomer.

ROCKMAN

Herald Sun ....................... 18 September 2013



ROCKMAN

Quote
Toru A
From the interview with Japanese media on July 12, 2012.

Interviewer : What was your most impressive show in Japan?
Mick Jagger : Well, er...
Charlie Watts : Bluenote Tokyo in 2001.
Mick Jagger : Eh? When?

LOL!! Loved it. However, I would have replaced the "Mick Jagger" character with "Keith Richards".

When I was in college in northern VA a few years back, a local FM station had a contest titled something like "What In The World Did Keith Say?" The station would play a clip of Keith speaking in his (for us) thick English accent and off-kilter/drugged-out manner. Listeners would then call in and try to decipher what in the world Keith was saying. It was pretty funny.

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he saw a dog coming inside the shop.
He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again.

So, he goes over to the dog and notices he has a note in his mouth.
He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.
The dog has money in his mouth, as well."

The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar Note there.
So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog.

So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street when he comes To a level crossing.

The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn.
They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.

The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus.
The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat.

Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.
The butcher, by now, open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus.
He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house.
He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step.

Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door.
He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and again, it throws himself against it.

There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.
He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What in heaven's name are You doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!" to which the guy responds:
"You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."

Quote
Edith Grove
I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century', he said. 'I don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my iPad.'


I can tell you, that damn fly never knew what hit it.

Good one!

Just posted by a friend on facebook, too funny not to share!

A lady walks into a music store and asks "Have you got 'Hot Legs' on a 10 inch Decca"?

The man replies, "I've got hot nuts on a 10 inch pecker".

She says, "Is that a record"?

He says, "Nope, but it's a damn good average"!

What was Elvis Presley's worst ever release?

- the ejaculation containing Lisa Marie.

ooooowwww that's a tad below the belt ....



ROCKMAN

What did the godfather of soul, the godfather of soul Gerald Ford have in common with disgraced vocalist James Brown and activist Saddam Hussein?
Well, all three men were very well hung.