One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other a**hole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another a**hole?"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2011-10-30 19:30 by boston2006.

Boudreaux won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What the hell you gonna do wit dat? Dere ain't no water deep nuff to float a boat witin 75 miles of heah."



He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."



Thibodeaux came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where Boudreaux is. She says, "He's out dere in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.



Thibodeaux heads out behind the house and sees Boudreaux sitting in a his bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, “wat de hell you doin?”



Boudreaux replies, “I’m fishin. Wat de hell does it look like I’m a doin?”



Thibodeaux yells back, “It’s people like you what give people from Louisianan a bad name, making everybody tink we are stoop-ed. If I could swim, I’d come out dere and whoop yo ass!”

Spain's traditional “caganer” ceramic figurine of Catherine 2011

A turtle's Tale

A turtle crawls into the sheriff's office one day.

The sheriff looked up from his reports, "What can I do for you?"
...
"I was attacked by three snails on my way home," the turtle said

"Oh, what happened?" the sheriff asked, alerted.

"I don't know," the turtle replied,

The sheriff's eyebrows went up, "You don't know what happened?"

"No," said the turtle, "it all happened so fast."

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" (Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!)

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press ‘9’ for an outside line."

New Age Confucius


Confucius says.....

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

On the demise of Joe Frazier, John Terry, the chelsea football captain, when pressed for a comment said f***** hell, that n****r was good.

What does divorce and Jerry Sandusky have in common?
They're both hard on the children.

.... its that time of year again......

deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I give you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa



Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa



Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa



Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? I giving you a doll instead because I bet you're gay.
Santa



Dear Santa ,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jack Daniels.




Santa



Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China . Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa




P.S.
Tell your mom she got the part.



Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa



Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

An Oldie Goldie: Whackin' Willie

You know my mate Jimmy, he went to the funeral of his mate who was killed after being hit on the head by a tennis ball. He said it was a great service.

The Irishman was feeling a bit bad that he hadn't been to confession in 25 years, so off he went to the church. He entered the cubicle and looked around, surprised to see a counter with the finest crystal decanters containing Irish whiskey, Guinness on tap, and a shelf holding the finest Cuban cigars. Helping himself to a pint of Guinness and a Cuban, as he lit the cigar he couldn't help but wonder to himself how much more welcoming and inviting the confession room now was, compared to how he remembered it. I just might have to come back more often, he thought to himself. The priest then enters and the Irishman says 'sorry Father for not coming to confession for so long, but now that it is so inviting an atmosphere I surely will from now on come to confession on a regular basis.'

Pouring a shot of Irish whiskey from a crystal decanter the Father says, 'You're on my side. Get out. '

Heard about that new emo grass?

It cuts itself.

Times wuz 'ard, so a man and his wife decided there was only one thing for it, so, off she went into the night to return 6 hours later with the grand sum of £28 and 50p............."Jesus christ" says he...."Who gave you 50p ?"

"All of them" says she with a coy smile.....................



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 2011-12-09 21:02 by EddieByword.

I went to my work Xmas party, but got thrown out for bad behaviour.

When they played The Twist, I twisted. When they played Jump, I jumped, but when they played Come On Eileen .......

Two guys were sitting at the bar when one, noticing two old drunks sitting across from them said, "In ten years that'll be us." To which his friend replied, "Dipshit, that's a mirror."

Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA


To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Thanks!

This is so typical British and Un-American that I had to copy it and send it to some American forum - let's wait for the reaction ...

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Obama strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.
She turns to Mr.Obama and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Barack Obama, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses...."

Quote
sweetcharmedlife
At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Obama strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.
She turns to Mr.Obama and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Barack Obama, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses...."

Seems like a big waste of time & money to deliver an iPod.

A guy goes into a bar and asks for 12 shots of tequila. The bartender lines up 12 glasses in a row and in a continuous pour, starts to fill them. Before the bartender gets to the end of the line - the guy is already pounding back shots. He's rapidly finished five and the bartender says "Gee buddy - don't you think you should slow down?" The guy says sadly - "if you had what I had - you'd drink fast too." "Whatta you got" asks the bartender? "Seventy five cents" the guy replies.

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies



1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila


Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.


Add one peastoon of sugar.
Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok,
try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl
and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.


If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.
Who geeves a sheet.
Check the Jose Cuervo.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.


Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and
try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.


Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and
make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !

A doctor tells a man he has but one day to live. When he goes home and tells his wife, she asks him what he wants to do with his last day. Make love, he says, which they do several times until 2 a.m. Come on honey, he pleads, one more time. No, she says, I have to get up in the morning and you don't!

Some funny jokes here thanks.

I can't really tell my "favorite joke of the year" because I haven't heard any new jokes for several years. Every time somebody I know tells me a joke, it's one I heard like 10 years ago. Or a lot of them are just regurgitated jokes that just insert a different person/group of people to stay topical. Same old President jokes with Obama inserted where it used to be Bush or Clinton, or old Oklahoma/Aggie jokes with the Tea Party inserted in, etc.

Quote
NoCode0680
Some funny jokes here thanks.

I can't really tell my "favorite joke of the year" because I haven't heard any new jokes for several years. Every time somebody I know tells me a joke, it's one I heard like 10 years ago. Or a lot of them are just regurgitated jokes that just insert a different person/group of people to stay topical. Same old President jokes with Obama inserted where it used to be Bush or Clinton, or old Oklahoma/Aggie jokes with the Tea Party inserted in, etc.

How about your favourite jokes of all time ?

Cajun 12 Days of Christmas

Day 1
Dear Boudreaux,
Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las'night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.
Marie

Day 2
Dear Boudreaux,
You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of dem.
Marie

Day 3
Dear Boudreaux,
Why doan you sent some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog Phideaux. Marie needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.
Marie

Day 4
Dear Boudreaux,
Mon Dieux! I tol you no more xxxxx birds. Deez four, what you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy you could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps, an fed de rest of dem to de gators.
Marie

Day 5
Dear Boudreaux,
You finally sen' somethin useful. I like dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at de Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
Marie

Day 6
Dear Boudreaux,
Couchon! Back to da birds, you Cajun turkey! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geeses. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem wit erster dressing on Christmas day.
Marie

Day 7
Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of de water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Marie

Day 8
Dear Boudreaux,
Poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweepinq the shack but dey say it wasn't in dair contract. Dey probably think dey too good ta skin nutrias I caught las night.
Marie

Day 9
Dear Boudreaux,
What you trying to do huh? Thibeau had to borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin." Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat my turnip greens.
Marie

Day 10
Dear Boudreaux,
You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman don't kill you, I will fo sure. Today he deliver 10 half nikid floozies from Bourbon Street . Dey said dey be "Ladies Dancin" but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an had to get toilet paper; the Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer dose hoity toity Lords' royal behin'.
Marie

Day 11
Dear Boudreaux,
Where y'at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11 pipers piping arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off de boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jambalaya and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he having a good time, yeah, dancing with de floozies. Thibeau he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it.
Marie

Day 12
Dear Boudreaux,
I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore, no. After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on de bayou. The floozies, pardon me, Ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and de Lords can be waiters an valet park de boats. Since de maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimping business. We will probably gross a million nex year.
Marie

Q: What did one sea say to the other?





A: Nothing, they were just waving.



Ba-Boom-Ching

Why does Santa Claus say ho,ho,ho?
Because three Hoes are better than one.

Kim Jong Il is dead.....his condition was today described as satisfactory..............

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by
a
local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like
you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill
out! I mean, no sex since 1955! " She took his hand and led him to a private
room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,

"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only
2130 now."